


Heart Shaped Box

by FrustratedPoet1979



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Muggle, F/M, Professors, Rivalry, Secrets, jily
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2019-07-05 09:15:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 27,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15860703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrustratedPoet1979/pseuds/FrustratedPoet1979
Summary: Lily Evans, a high school chemistry teacher, wants to be taken seriously at work. Her colleague James Potter has no such desire. When they are both in line for the same job at school their rivalry is turned up to another level.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was going to be a little drabble for petals B’day. It’s turned into something a lot bigger. Not sure exactly how many chapters this will be yet.
> 
> Enjoy your weeekend
> 
> Please leave a comment 
> 
> Happy birthday Petals you shimmering star fish.

Heart shaped Box

  
  


For Lily Evans, Monday’s were like preparing for combat. Her perfectly applied makeup was her war paint, her carefully selected clothes a suit of armour. Her lesson planner, battle strategies. Her pens, her chosen weapons. 

But it wasn’t her students who had her wound up tighter than a clockwork toy, it was her infuriating colleague, her rival, her nemesis.

James Potter had always been a distraction, a mild annoyance throughout high school, a loud and constant presence at college. 

At every academic turn, he had been there, challenging her, driving her to do better, sometimes even beating her. Although more often than not _ she _ would be the one victorious. 

When she graduated top of her class, he was only a few points behind. She loved beating him.

And now, not only did  they work in the same school, they worked in the same blasted department. She had the slightest feeling he only chose to teach sciences just to annoy her. 

He was very good at annoying her. 

The most difficult thing for her to swallow about the whole thing was he made it look effortless. He delighted in avoiding responsibility, he was popular with all his students, he acted so often like one of them you could forget sometimes he was the one teaching the class. He would stroll up into the staff room with scruffy trainers, his hair disheveled, his clothes effortless perfection, he could be a runway model the way clothes hung on him, even the tweed jacket with those elbow patches.  _ How did he always manage to look so hot?  _ She hated that.

She hated the way he gave her a wink and a smile every morning,  _ so unprofessional. _ The rest of the faculty would just roll their eyes and pretend to ignore the usual drama between them, because there was  _ always _ drama between them. 

“You’re looking lovely this morning Evans” he said as he joined her in the staff room lounge. He always said her name that way. Not Lily, not Professor Evans, not even Ms. Just plain Evans. He put the extra mug of coffee down on the table, turning the handle to her. “You ready for the science fair?” He was oozing confidence this morning, even more than normal.

“Of course I’m ready.”

“So you won’t be trying to blow us up this year?” he stretched lazily swiping his glasses from his face as he did so yawning loudly. She resisted rolling her eyes at him.

“Why do you always say chemistry is about explosions? And what about you? Any worm farms, or mouldy bread?”

“You’ll just have to wait and see, won't you? My students are full of amazing ideas.” She yawned herself, catching his yawn from before. 

“Late night?” he asked with an odd half smile.

“Nothing I want to talk about in polite company,” she replied primly, feeling the heat rise up her neck. He sighed as if he was expecting a different answer then got up to leave.

“Are you coming? Or is it beneath you to be seen with the lowly biology professor?”

“I’ll come.” she responded rising. “Don’t want anyone to think I don’t like you.”

“Oh we could never have that now could we?” His tone was long suffering sarcasm, “I think that ship has sailed Evans.” 

 

∞

 

One week later they were both sitting in headmaster Dumbledore’s office, wondering what precisely they had done wrong. Well, Lily knew  _ she  _ hadn’t done anything, but as for her colleague, she had no idea what he got up to in his own classroom. 

But he didn’t look at all worried. He just kept throwing her sideways glances as he lounged in his chair.

A short sleeved shirt today, his tanned forearms on display, the sun shining through the office window casting his skin in a warm glow, making the soft hairs of his arms look more blonde. She followed the path of his left hand as he slid his uncontrollable hair out of his eyes.

She ignored his knowing smirk when he caught her staring at him, feeling her pulse quicken a little, but she turned her gaze away as Professor Dumbledore walked in.

He smiled at both of them kindly and settled into his chair, adjusting his reading glasses, and then shuffling through the papers on his desk, apparently looking for something. 

“As you are both already aware,” he began, “Professor Slughorn retired at the end of the last school year. Unfortunately I have been unable to find a suitable replacement outside the school, which has left a space available at the head of the department.” Lily sat up a little straighter, James was already leaning forward in his chair clearly interested. “And you two are the best, most qualified people I have for the position.” Dumbledore sighed wearily. “It is unfortunate I can only promote one of you. Due to your own personal history, giving the two of you a chance to compete against each other is not ideal, but competition does seem to bring out the best in people, and I want you two to work this out and find a way to work together professionally.”

Lily opened her mouth in protest, “Sir, do we really need to have a discussion about this? Clearly I am the most qualified, with the best record…”

_ “What?”  _ Came James’ startled interruption. “I think you are missing a few pointers here. One, we have the same level of  _ qualification…” _

“But you’re just a  _ biology  _ teacher.” She saw his eyes widen and his nostrils flare slightly at her dismissive comment.

“I’m not  _ just _ anything, Evans!” He folded his arms angrily, “you know what? I wasn’t that bothered about this position. I was prepared to hand this to you. You like doing extra work, admin, and things like this really matter to you, but because you have decided to  _ insult _ me,  _ and _ my chosen field, I will work as hard as I have ever worked for anything, to beat you to this. You think we were rivals before? You ain’t seen nothing yet sweetheart.” And with that he stood up and stormed out the room. 

She looked to the headmaster expecting him to say or do something but all he did was return her gaze with a small smile.

“Good luck.”

 

∞  
  


Lily didn’t think too much of James’ challenge as she went about her normal day. Her students were as hard working and focused as always, never causing her too much trouble, and  she in turn tried her best to have time for them both in and out of lessons. James had made comments before about how popular she was with boys at a certain age, but she ignored this.

He could hardly talk. There were always single moms, and _not_ so single moms, coming to talk to him about their child’s progress in class, and if there were anything _extra_ , they could do to help their child outside class. 

He always seemed so oblivious to the flirting, the subtle way these women would stroke his arm and toss their hair about. He would smile and laugh politely at the parents evenings, run his hands through his hair, and talk about the syllabus. Either he didn’t notice their behaviour, or his focus was so driven towards the children that he forced the conversation to remain about only them.

James’ focus had always been impressive. 

James’ words came back to haunt her when she went to submit the required forms for the science fair. 

That was the moment she realised the need to take James’ threat more seriously. 

She had made sure she had all the right paperwork for her students to perform their Chemistry experiments, took special care to request the best locations in the hall to set up, depending on the particular experiment. Also not too close to the refreshments, so people would actually pay attention and not get distracted by a swirl of buttercream, or the smell of coffee.  

She had a grin of smug satisfaction when she handed all the painstakingly filled out forms into reception. Tina, the schools administrator looked through it all briefly then paused at the page of  table reservations.

“I’m sorry, but Professor Potter has already taken those spaces.”

“What? Not  _ all _ of them? Surely he only needs one or two, perhaps you can change the allocation?” Without uttering one word, Tina gave her a look that said,  _ do I tell you how to do your fucking job? _ Lily understood that look perfectly. Tina continued in a very long suffering voice. 

“If you want to discuss this, I suggest you take the matter up with him and leave me out of,” she paused, gesturing with her hand, “whatever  _ this _ is.” Lily suppressed her growl of frustration and smiled sweetly instead. It would not do to upset the other members of staff. Especially when James had charmed the hell out of the entire faculty.

 

He was in the middle of a lesson when she found him. She stopped in front of his door, suppressing the urge to just march right in, but he must have seen her at the door as he waved for her to enter.

“Class, I’m sure you all know Professor Evans. Please carry on with your allotted tasks as I speak to my colleague who doesn’t appear to be too happy with me.” He said it like it was some kind of highly amusing joke, and she heard a soft rumble of laughter from the assembled class that cut off as if they had been muted when she turned her gaze to them. 

“Can I have a word,  _ Professor?”  _ She was very proud of they way she could make Professor sound like an insult. She watched as he took her in. Watching his eyes as they drifted over the set of her jaw, her crossed arms, and perhaps following the curve of her pencil skirt downward, lingering at the hemline for a moment too long, but she was too mad to properly care. He nodded with a shrug and followed her into the corridor.

“What can I help you with?” He asked once they were out the room. She eyed the door to his classroom. He had pulled it to, but just barely so that there was enough of a gap showing and she knew every child in that class would be listening intently to their conversation. Wondering what he was playing at, but not giving him the satisfaction of mentioning it, she answered him. 

“You know damn well what you can help me with?” she hissed quietly, “what do you think you were doing, taking all the tables for the science show?” He folded his arms and smiled.

“I didn’t take  _ all _ of them, and I am sure we can come to some sort of understanding.” Lily really didn’t like the tone he used when he suggested that. She told him so with the dark look she sent him. 

“What  _ exactly  _ did you have in mind?”

“Work two detentions for me and you can have the two best tables.”

“I need three tables?”

“Cover one of my on duty lunches as well then.” He leaned back against the wall of his room and crossed his legs at the ankle. 

“What?”

“That’s the deal, Evans. Take it or lose your tables.” She scowled at him which only made his smile widen. “Next time get in earlier.” Feeling like she didn’t have much of a choice she huffed.

“ _ FINE _ !” She snapped and stalked off back towards her classroom, if she had a tail it would be bristling and lashing right now. 

“Nice talking to you Evans,” he called out to her retreating back, still leaning against the wall  and looking very pleased with himself. She stopped dead in her tracks, took a deep settling breath, and turned to walk back to him. Standing way too close, she poked a finger in his chest. 

“This will not end well for you Potter!” She scolded, “You think you are the only one who can play by your childish rules? There are  many , _ many  _ ways I can make your life difficult. Do you really want to push me?” His confident smile wavered slightly, but he was never the type to back down. He pushed himself off the wall, and when he looked down at her, with those chocolate brown eyes she realized exactly how close she was to him and took a step back. 

“Oh  _ come on _ now, Evans, this is only the beginning. This could be fun, like high school again.”

“James,” she said slowly as though she were speaking to a child, “this  _ is _ high school.”

“Your powers of observation are unsurpassed, but unfortunately, for me, it seems you are nothing like you were at  _ our _ high school.” She didn’t bother to reply to his sulky tone, merely stalking back to her own room, and ignoring his laugh as she went. 

 

∞

 

The incident with the science table allocation was nothing. Simply a warning shot fired across the bow. Wednesday’s staff meeting had been the first real skirmish. Something she had been determined to win. 

She had been prepared, of course, for she was always prepared for these meetings, but for the first time she could remember, James had been equally so. She knew his attitude had changed, and it rattled her composure. 

Lily knew her comment about him only being a biology teacher had probably been a step too far, but the fact that there was any question, any at all, of her higher suitability for the position had infuriated her. 

She was tired of being undermined. Dumbledore knew she was better, so why on earth did he feel the need to make her prove it? 

Competition could be good in many circumstances, but she and James always took it to another level. It probably wasn’t healthy. James had the same academic qualifications as she did, but he  _ was not _ as equally qualified as her because he had done nothing more to further himself,  _ or _ the department. He was lax with his paperwork, blasé about discipline, and he was too relaxed with his students. 

She couldn’t deny he was a good teacher though. The exam results proved _ that _ if nothing else. He managed the balance of looking like he didn’t care while giving his students the encouragement and the occasional push they needed. 

Lily liked to think she did the same with hers even though she knew she had a reputation for being a  _ bit _ uptight, but the school was no place to show anyone her true self. It was bad enough when anyone did discover her wilder side while outside the school.

She didn’t know who had been more shocked when on a girls night out with Marlene, Mary, and Alice to celebrate the end of the school year, she had spotted one of her just graduated A-level students staring at her wide eyed, as she’d danced on a table with Alice. Her alcohol infused state had found it funny and she had winked in their direction, it was only the next morning she had regretted it, and had from that point on insisted on drinking well away from anywhere that was likely to happen again, or just not bother going out to drink. 

Her boundaries were clear. Work life, home life, and they didn’t mix. 

It helped that none of her friends were teachers. Well Remus was, but he taught graduate level and didn’t count, because on the rare occasions that they did go out drinking together, every rule changed.

 

She had been prepared for the staff meeting, but not prepared for the backlash. It was something that would be talked about in hushed whispers for days after. Lily had prayed for something else to happen quickly. 

 

“Did you see? Where you there?”

Lily heard the voice and shoes of Bev, one of the geography teachers, as she hid in the staff room toilet, her ridiculous high heels clacking on the tile floor as she walked in. Her essex accent was instantly recognisable despite the fact she was trying to speak softly,  _ for once. _ She wondered who she was speaking with until there was a squeak of a rubber sole and Lana, one of the history teachers, voice could be clearly recognised.

“Unfortunately, yes, I was. So uncomfortable to witness.” Lily had a horrible sinking feeling she knew exactly what they were about to discuss, and it was why she was hiding in the toilet avoiding everyone. The part of her that  _ wasn’t _ a nosey cow wanted to flush the loo, make herself known before these two started discuss something she was feeling very ashamed about. But the rest of her  _ was _ a nosey cow, and was dying to know what people were saying about her. As quietly as she could she stepped herself up on the toilet seat and sat on the cistern listening intently.

“So what happened?”

“Well everyone knows how those two get on you know?” There was a pause where Bev presumably nodded a response. “You could practicality feel the tension in the room.” Lana was not known to be a gossip but she seemed to be relishing the chance to share an eyewitness account. “Well, it seems Potter and Evans are both up for Sluggy’s old job, and both want it, badly. James Potter had this massive list of ideas for events and for some reason Lily…”

She realised as she sat there she didn’t want to hear someone else's version of what happened, or re live it herself. She had been in a foul mood and determined to make him look bad. She had tried to squash every idea,counter every point he made in that meeting, regardless of whether or not the ideas were any good. It had been her sole focus. She had forgotten her carefully thought out notes as soon as James Potter had opened his gorgeous mouth and began to speak. Give ideas so like the ones she had on her own page it had made her see red. 

She had accused him of stealing her ideas, of not giving a damn before that day so why should they take him seriously. Her tirade had been so completely unreasonable she’d had to go see Mcgonagall and explain herself. And having to explain herself to the deputy head had made her see just how idiotic she was being.

The rest of the faculty in attendance had been stunned into silence at her tirade. The usually calm and collected Lily Evans, all full of anger and righteous indignation, because how  _ dare _ he try to show her up. How dare  _ he _ have good ideas. 

Until James Potter had fired back. Fired back in the most effective way, one that only he could get away with. He had stood, straightened his jacket, and spoke to her in a voice so bereft of any emotion she knew he was barely holding on.

“It seems that  _ Professor _ Evans, does not like the idea of being challenged. That she would rather accuse me of  _ cheating _ than think I was capable of coming up with an original idea.” He had spoken to the room but his eyes had never left her flushed red face. “If there is nothing left to cover, and nothing left for her to say to me, I'll go and prepare for my next lesson.” As soon as the door clicked behind him all eyes had turned to her, and she knew she had fucked up.

“I'm telling you love,” Bev’s voice rang out strongly, resonating with the guilt inside herself. “James is so lovely, and so fit. Everyone loves him. I certainly wouldn’t kick him out of bed on cold night if you know what I mean?” Her dirty little chuckle made Lily’s hackles rise. “If he looked at me that way, with those melting eyes he has, I don’t think I could…”

The voices trailed off as they left the bathroom, leaving her alone with her swirling thoughts, wondering vaguely what it was Bev wouldn’t be able to stop herself from doing. She came out from the stall and checked her makeup. It was silly to feel bad, James had been deliberately goading her all week, and she had needed to assert herself with him. Put him firmly back in his place, underneath her.

She splashed some cool water on the back of her neck and strode purposefully out of the bathroom. 

It wasn’t  _ that _ bad. She had just decided to belittle a colleague in front of their peers instead of using reasoned arguments and showing off her own skills. It had been petty and childish, and she wasn’t going to do it again. She would still beat him, but she would just go about being a better teacher than him. She went to her classroom, and tried to put the whole staff room drama behind her.

 

∞

 

The science fair went off without a hitch. Dumbledore had been very impressed with all the entries. She had to admit they were all fantastic and no mouldy bread in sight, but there was a particularly fine exhibit of Algae, and another that showed the capillary action of plants. Lily was secretly very impressed. James was grinning like a Cheshire cat as he wandered around the room, asking questions, and behaving every bit the way a future head of department should. Lily had been no slouch herself, taking great interest in every offering, and giving support to everyone. 

As it happened, it was one of her Chemistry students who got the top prize with their homemade polymer. Lily was pleased for her student, but took no real joy in coming out being the more successful teacher. 

Lily was still embarrassed about her outburst. She had been planning on avoiding James for the duration, but it seemed James had other ideas. She knew he had been angry and insulted, could tell by the way he no longer tried to banter with her in the staff room every morning. She was surprised how much she missed that. 

She really couldn’t win.

James strode over to where she was standing cradling a teacup in both hands. 

“Alright, Evans?” He asked cheerfully taking a spot at her side. “Successful day I would say.” It was the first words he had spoken to her all day and she was mildly surprised by how polite he was being. She looked around to see if he was trying to impress anyone. She spotted McGonagall staring at them from the other side of the room, and smiled sweetly back at James. If this was a new game he was playing she refused to be sucked into making a scene. 

“Yes it has been,” she agreed. “I was very impressed with all the experiments.” Her tone was so overly polite it would sound to anyone else like she was talking to a complete stranger. Her guilt was bubbling up again, and before she could regret it she started to speak. “James I’m really sorry about the other day, it was uncalled for. It was never my intention to insult you I just got…”

“Don’t worry about it, Evans,” he interrupted, “It’s not the first time I’ve been at the receiving end of your sharp tongue.”

“I was out of line, unprofessional.” She continued, “I would understand completely if you want to place a complaint against me.” His soft chuckle surprised her. 

“That wouldn’t do either of us any good now would it. McGonagall told me to build bridges, I told her I wasn’t an engineer, but I’m trying. Perhaps if you weren’t so damn stubborn you would see.”

“See what?” She asked but he shook his head. 

“It doesn’t matter, forget I said anything.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been a while since I published the last chapter and I'm sorry about that. I was going to write out the whole thing before posting any more, but I know I'm not going to change this and I am really excited to share this with you.
> 
> This is also a Happy Birthday to my beautiful friend Raissa, I know I'm a day early but I hope you love it.

 

**CHAPTER TWO**

There were no more explosions, even though James gave her several reasons to. Nothing too obvious for anyone else, but certain comments he made about her being stiff and inflexible when she was unable to cover for a colleagues detention, had definitely been made to get a reaction from her. She had to bite a tongue to stop the harsh words snapping back at him but she did it, because McGonagall was watching them both. Lily had no doubt she'd had words with him as well about what she expected from her staff. So they played nice, to each other's faces at least, in order to appear as if they were at peace. And perhaps at some point she stopped pretending, because as much as her recent actions had proven otherwise, she didn't actually like being in conflict with James. So in the lunch hall, and the staff room, or wherever she encountered him, she made the effort to be polite, to smile, while the rest of the faculty watched on waiting for something else to gossip about. Something that she was determined not to give them.

It was obvious to everyone McGonagall was getting more than a little tired of the way they carried on. She had been sympathetic to Lily at first, but now, like every other person who had ever met the infuriating James Potter, she had become rather fond of him and just couldn't understand why Lily had such a problem.

So being a practical person, McGonagall had a practical solution. Force them to work together in _every_ single situation she could reasonably get away with. Lily wasn't exactly sure of her logic but she admired her determination. Because in just about _every_ school event that was happening, they were now working on together.

The explanation being they needed to prove themselves capable and adaptable in other situations for the head of department job, it was tenuous, but she wasn't exactly in a place to argue, though that had never stopped her before. Lily had looked aghast at the email containing the school event calendar, trying to think how on earth she was going to fit her other responsibilities around this. Because she couldn't back out of it, that would be giving up on the promotion, and that job was _hers_.

The worst thing by far, she thought as she scrutinised the events more closely would be the sports day. Lily had _no_ talent for sports, as much as she had tried, as much as she loved competing, she had never found anything she could do well enough to win at, so in her mind that made her terrible. That would definitely be an event where James would have the advantage and she would have to follow his lead. She sighed at the thought of that. He had always been amazing at any sport, and often helped out the P.E teachers with the larger events. It was unusual for a science teacher to run an after school football club, but it was obvious to anyone James loved it.

Almost as much as she loved her advanced chemistry club. It was the only after-school class she taught, and it was on the same day James had other commitments outside of school, so she knew that it wouldn't be interfered with.

It was a small class but every single person wanted to be there, and it made her swell with pride to see them making discoveries, and falling in love with science just as much as she had. In this classroom she had control, it was her space, and she was in complete charge. Everything in it from the bunsen burners to the glass beakers had its place. The order of it matched the order in her brain and she always felt the most calm within these four walls. It was her sanctuary from the rest of her often hectic life.

^^

Lily had to admit, despite her reservations, she did have fun organising the fundraising events for Halloween with James. Most of the planning already had been done by the parent committee, but they always needed help and support from the school staff too.

Halloween was an event James always loved and _always_ went the extra mile with every year. Dressing up and decorating his classroom, encouraging his students to play tricks and wear costumes, until McGonagall vetoed that idea. But this year all the teachers were being encouraged to make an effort. This fact turned James into an over excited child, and as it got closer to they day his enthusiasm became infectious.

One of the more out there ideas, but hugely popular with the students was letting them bid to decide the teachers costumes, from a shortlist each teacher had approved of, these were hormonal teenagers after all and proper decency must be kept. Lily dreaded to think what ridiculously inappropriate costumes they would have cooked up if they had free rein.

No surprises they had chosen the _mad_ scientist for Lily, complete with electrified wig and lab coat. And for James?

James they had decided would dress as a zombie surgeon. She had to admit he looked pretty good in scrubs, even if they were splattered in fake blood. She could tell by the huge grin he was wearing during the morning assembly he was immensely pleased with his costume. So pleased he threw her a wink from across the hall. Her lip twitched a smile in response despite her efforts. How did he manage to look so good in every single thing he wore? She just supposed it was one of the quirks of one James Potter.

The dinner hall was bursting that lunchtime, with the extra treats and games laid out to try and squeeze more money from the students. She couldn't stop herself from laughing at him when he competed in the eat a syrup soaked pancake from a string, against two first years who beat him easily.

"Better luck next time," she told him handing him a damp cloth to wipe his face.

"Well, I was at a disadvantage from the start, the string was set way too low for me." He grumbled in reply but his wink at the girl who had beat him let her know he was only joking.

The student flushed scarlet in response and ran off giggling to her waiting friends. There was a smear of syrup by his temple, James noticed her staring, raised an eyebrow as she stepped closer, tilting his head so he could look down at her.

She tried not to notice the way his lips parted slightly as she bridged the gap, took the cloth from his relaxed grip, and wiped the sticky sweetness from his face.

"You missed a spot." She mumbled looking intently at his temple and not at the way his Adam's apple bobbed.

"Thanks." He replied, a little breathless.

Yes, She had to admit, at least to herself if not to anyone else, she had enjoyed working with James.

 

^^

The next time they worked together was a field trip.

And not just any field trip, _her_ annual trip to the London science museum.

Her first experience she had viewed as organised chaos. The lack of any sort of order to it she had found extremely stressful. But thankfully she had been placed in charge of organising after her second visit. And now she viewed as one of the highlights of her school year. The best of which was always seeing the students relax and enjoy themselves out of a classroom environment.

Unfortunately this year she would not be solely in charge. McGonagall had seen to that, her words were still ringing in Lily's ears as she sat on the bus. She had tried to reason with her, to complain truthfully, but her arguments had been squashed down firmly.

" _I will not have you make such ridiculously childish excuses. You will learn to work together, or you will work in separate schools!"_

The threat was clear in her words, the thought of leaving this school, of having to start again terrified her. She needed this job, and she would try her best to keep the peace with James.

There was no reason to think that this trip would be any different to the other times she had taken a class. The third year students were capable of looking after themselves for the most part, only requiring minimal supervision which normally left her free to explore the museum herself, interacting with smaller clusters of students as she did so, making sure nobody misbehaved or disappeared. There were always a few students she needed to keep a closer eye on, of course, but just checking up on them at random times was enough to discourage them from any mischief most of the time.

But this would be the first year James was coming along too. The first time they had _ever_ worked together _outside_ of the school. He had not helped her with any part of it. Of course, he probably _would have,_ if she had bothered to ask him, but it had already been organised within an inch of its life weeks before his involvement was even thought of. Why should she ask for his input when he'd never been interested before?

So here they were, outside the museum, clipboards in hand, and ready to organise the day. A cluster of girls were all huddled and giggling together, but Lily refused to get involved. James, however, was a little more curious.

"Is something amusing you ladies?" He asked in the sternest voice she had ever heard him use on his students.

"Oh, _no,_ sir." The tallest girl, Olivia replied, with a smirk. "Sorry sir."

He frowned and glanced in Lily's direction as if looking for guidance, she just raised an eyebrow at him before lifting a page on her clipboard and studying that instead. She heard him sigh.

"Well, keep the gossiping to a minimum ladies, you are here to learn, not socialise." The self important smile slid off Olivia's face when he held her gaze until she responded with an abashed nod, and Lily had to admit she was impressed with how he handled that. She felt his eyes on her again and she tried to hide her smile by keeping her attention firmly on her notes.

Once the noise and chatter had died down to a more tolerable level. It didn't take long to get the students organised, and without any more delays, they had them all split up with their information packs ready, and sent the students on their way.

Now that she was temporarily free of her teaching duties, she went to find a coffee, while James tagged along behind a small cluster of students. They hadn't spoken to each other directly all day. _So much for building bridges,_ she thought, but she wasn't exactly going out of her way to talk to him, either.

"Miss?" Adrianna, one of her most talented students, approached her timidly, looking much more unsure than she normally would. Lily smiled warmly at her, hoping she had not been scowling a moment before.

"Yes, Adrianna; what is it?"

"I didn't hear where we are supposed to go because Olivia was making too much noise."

"That's all right, I can show you." She was pretty sure that Adrianna knew exactly where she needed to go, and there was an underlying reason why she wanted to stick with her teacher. She was an extremely gifted student but she was also very quiet and lacked confidence in social situations. Lily would love to see her be more the way she was with the students in chemistry club, but away from that environment Adrianna shrank back into her shell. Lily wished there was a way, but knew forcing her to be more outgoing would never work. She led them over to the lifts, trying to start up a conversation. "So I take it you heard what they were giggling about?"

Adrianna nodded "It was stupid," she said adjusting the strap of her bag on her shoulder. "they think you and Professor Potter are going to get together. Olivia is obsessed about the way he looks at you." Lily pressed the button for the lift, mulling this over in her head while trying to think of a response.

"And you think this is stupid?"

"Yes, because it's obvious you don't like him back so why would you?" Her tone spoke volumes for her own irritation with Professor Potter, she wasn't a fan of his casual approach either.

"Why indeed?" Lily mused, not responding to the question, "Well I'm sure they will find something else to giggle about soon enough."

When the lift pinged and the doors slowly opened, she was surprised to find James was standing inside, as if talking about him had summoned his presence. He was with two other students who all shuffled back to let them enter. The lift was not the biggest so she had no choice but to stand so close to James that she could smell the Persil washing powder used on his clothes. She nodded to him in silent greeting that he returned with a tight smile, before she turned to face the door with her back to him.

The lift took off again with a jolt, causing her heel to slip, she suffered a moment of panic, when the lift wall filled her vision. Before she could put a hand out to save herself, James' large strong hands took hold of her hips steadying her, pulling her even closer to his body, so close she felt his hot breath on the back of her neck, close enough to feel her bottom press against his leg.

It sent a shiver up her spine.

She closed her eyes and took an involuntary breath and held it, feeling so conflicted. He was so close he must have heard her. His hands were still on her hips — their grip tightening for just a moment — and her heart started to thunder in her chest.

She was being ridiculous.

They were in a lift with _students,_ and all she could think of was sliding her nose along the stubble of his jawline, of his hands moving lower.

She jumped a little as the ping of the lift brought her out of her daydream and he dropped his hands. She strode out the lift with her head up ignoring the flush of colour on her cheeks.

"Where you need to go is just down there to the right. Once the tour is done feel free to go have a look around, just be back in the lobby for lunch," she said, proud of how normal her voice was. "I have something I need to discuss with Professor Potter. We'll catch you up." As the students shuffled their way past her she stole a glance at him, and wished she hadn't. He wasn't doing anything obvious, his hands were now in his pockets, a common pose, his head tilted slightly as he looked back at her, his eyes talking to her in a language her body responded to instantly. She forced herself to look away and watched the last student disappear, curling a strand of hair behind her ear as she did so.

She barely waited until the door closed before grabbing his hand and dragging him the other direction finding a conveniently unlocked room.

He closed the door behind them and had the look like he was about to ask her a question, but before he got to say a word she was on him, her hands clamping his head, and pulling his lips to her greedy mouth. He responded immediately. Hands up in her hair, walking her backwards until the back of her legs hit the table in the centre of the room.

"Lily…?" He tried to speak against her insistent mouth. She shook her head as she pulled away for a moment sliding her index finger down his lips. He took her trembling hand in his, kissing the palm. "What about your rules?"

She silenced his questions by kissing him again, and he got the message. She hitched up her tight skirt so she could sit on the table. He moved his kisses to her cheek, her neck, the soft spot just below her ear, forcing a moan from her.

Her fingernails dragged along his waist until they found flesh, and she slipped her hands under his shirt, feeling the heat of his body as her fingers roved across his chest. She gasped into his ear before biting it as his hands glided along her thigh, hesitating at the hem of her skirt.

She was just about to start on the buttons of his shirt when they both heard the soft whir of a motor, looking up Lily noticed a security camera that was now pointed directly at them.

" _Fuck_ ," James breathed, sounding a little out of breath. His words, along with the blinking red light brought her to her senses abruptly. She muttered something incoherent as she pushed him away, and left the room without looking back.

She slipped quietly into the back of the dark lecture hall without being noticed, her heart still thundering, and cheeks on fire. The presentation film was loud enough to muffle her footsteps. She had watched it often enough to really wish she had found another place to hide, because hiding was exactly what she was doing. She took a few deep breaths trying to slow the thundering in her chest. She tried to tidy her hair back in its normal smart ponytail but the elastic was gone and it hadn't occurred to her to bring a spare. She combed her fingers through it instead, hoping she looked at least semi-presentable. Righting her clothes she noticed somehow the top two buttons of her blouse were also undone. He had worked fast.

James did not follow her in, she squashed her feelings of disappointment at that, But couldn't stop herself from constantly glancing at the door, she leaned her head back against the wall. _Fuck, what have I done?_ He had mentioned the rules, the first time ever he had seemed to care, but it had not stopped him kissing her back, more than kissing her. She wondered how far they would have gone if not for the presence of that security camera.

Things were always far easier when she could just concentrate on her work, but James Potter always had a way of sneaking into her thoughts, of getting under her skin, of always being there when she needed him.

Their paths didn't cross again until it was time to collect all the students and pile them back on the coaches. She could feel his eyes burning a hole through the side of her head, as she ticked the names off her list, almost willing her to look at him. She refused to, refused to let anything show, especially as she could not trust her own reactions, could not trust her pale skin wouldn't flush with colour and her breath catch once more. That her face would show as plain as day for all to see, the feelings she constantly suppressed.

^^

 

Over the next few days back at school they did not talk about it. James seemed determined to act like the museum had never happened, and so she followed his lead. She didn't know how he had done it, but somehow McGonagall was no longer hounding her about them getting along. Instead she had given Lily a small little smile and a nod when she had walked past her office the next day.

She had no idea how, but she was grateful to him for that at least. And it was true they were getting along better, he had stopped doing all the little infuriating things he used to do.

The head of department job was still looming over them, but she was trying her best not to let her aggressively competitive streak disrupt the fragile balance. Doing well and being seen to do well were incredibly important factors, and having open hostility was not going to ever help her. She was letting her hard work and dedication to her students prove her worth, and it was paying dividends for them.

Her students mock exam results had been excellent, every single one of them had shown improvement. She couldn't have been more proud.

James' students had equally impressive scores, his new shown dedication and more professional attitude helping his own students improve. Once again there was nothing to separate their achievements. She wanted to be happy for him, _she really did_ , but the way everything came so easy to him made it so hard for her to do that.

Despite acting like the museum never happened, James' attitude in general had changed and she wasn't sure exactly how she felt about it.

He was smiling more, both at her and in general. She heard his laugh in the staff room and down the corridor. Rich and deep and full of life as always. The conversations they had were short and civil, and never about anything other than the work or students. She felt herself almost bringing the museum up a few times so she could clear the air with him, and ask the questions she was burning to ask him, but then would catch herself and stop, wanting him to be the one to bring it up first.

 _Why was he so happy if it wasn't about the kiss?_ She thought to herself. _And if it is about the kiss why is he not talking about it to me?_ James was always so impossible to read and always, _always,_ had her second guessing herself.

It had been her resolve that had failed at the museum, her base desires overruling her head. James had always been her weakness. As much as he drove her to work harder academically, he encouraged the wilder side to come out, the side she was determined to stay well hidden, especially at work. She could not concentrate around him. Her work ethic would slip and she would start to daydream about the way his fucking shoulders filled a shirt, and how he looked at her when he thought she was not looking, or even when she _was_ looking. Her head was just not on straight at all when he was around and she couldn't help worry about how it looked. How on earth was anyone going to take her seriously when she went all lovesick teenager about another colleague?

She had thought they were in a good place once more, was ready to build up a good working relationship. Perhaps they could find a way.

Just as she was packing up her classroom at the end of the day she noticed a letter had been placed on her desk, there was no post mark. It had been hand delivered from inside the school. When she opened it and read the contents anger flared up in her once more. Before her head caught up with her feet she was halfway to his classroom, ready to confront him about it. And to hell with what McGonagall, or the students or anyone else overheard or thought when she was done with him. Her rage was boiling over, so hot the paper she still held in her clenched fist could have ignited. The clicking of her heels the only sound as she went striding down the empty corridor with purpose.

It was probably for the best, when the school bell rang for the end of the day and students started spilling out of the rooms, crowding around her on their way home. It gave her a moment to collect herself a little, to take a calm breath and walk into his classroom, in control of her emotions once more, or at least have them down to a soft simmer.

"What the hell is this James Potter?" She waved the paper in his face. He did not react past looking up from his desk, his glasses perched on the very edge of his nose. "A list of job vacancies in other schools? You think you can just get me to quit? I have worked _too_ hard for _too_ long to have you think you can take this from me"

He pushed himself away from the desk and frowned at her.

"So, of course you think I put that on your desk?" His tone was resigned.

"Who else would want me to work in another school?" She snapped back at him. His lips thinned.

"Oh, I don't know maybe McGonagall? Because as much as it might come as a shock to you _I don't_ have the problem about us working together. _I'm_ not an irrational control freak!" He told her sharply, irritation clear in his voice.

"So all this is my fault?"

"I'm not the one running hot and cold all the bloody time, am I?"

"Look, all I want is a little separation, a little distance so I can focus on my work, _without_ distractions." She was proud of how even she kept her voice, how in control she sounded, because inside was a different story.

He leant forward in his chair, and laced his fingers behind his head as he looked at his feet. When he looked up at her his eyes were full of frustration.

"I am trying, Evans, I really am, but you are making this situation impossible. Why can't we just tell everyone what we are?"

"NO!" she shouted sternly. "Not here... the rules…"

"The rules you didn't give a toss about last week at the sodding museum?" He interrupted, pushing himself firmly off his chair and moving to stand in front of her, for a moment she thought he was going to kiss her. She did not remember stepping away but her back pressed up against his classroom door and he looked hurt that she shied away.

"We weren't on the school grounds." She replied weakly, disappointed in herself, how much her heart sank when he didn't try to kiss her, just stood staring down at her.

"Do you even hear yourself? Hear how stupid this all sounds? Why does our history have to be a secret?"

"James," she hissed his name then closed her eyes, so she didn't have to look at him-didn't have to see that look that made her knees weak and her brain turn to mush. She stepped around him grabbing the back of a chair as she tried to calm her thundering heart. "Our history is not important here; we can do our jobs without _that_ hanging over us. Sure for you it would make no difference. But for me? All of a sudden I'm not the career-goaled woman they thought I was, and I'll just be some dumb girl who was stupid enough to get knocked up by her boyfriend."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on Tumblr @frustratedpoetwrites


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all thank you all for sticking with me and waiting patiently for this next update.
> 
> I want to tell you all now that due to the busy upcoming season I won't be updating this again until after the new year. I'm sorry about this but I have small children so I hope you can understand. 
> 
> I will still try to be active on Tumblr where asks or random shouting at me is always welcome. I am @frustrastedpoetwrites there.

**Chapter Three**

  
  


The silence that followed her words made them seem all the more powerful. James looked a little taken back, as if he wasn’t expecting her to say those words out loud, but he seemed to recover quickly as he paced the space in front of the whiteboard.

“You were not stupid, the condom broke. Accidents happen. I wish you would stop blaming yourself. I don’t regret any of the decisions we made,  _ together _ ,” he told her honestly. “We were young, but definitely not stupid. You didn’t let it get in your way back then, same as you haven’t let anything stop you from achieving your goals since.” His voice was strong and confident, telling her the facts as he saw them, but then he paused before speaking again, “you really think it would hold you back?” he asked softly. 

She laughed bitterly in reply. “You really think it wouldn’t?” She shook her head at him. “It’s too distracting to manage a relationship and my work, while  _ at _ work.  _ You  _ are too distracting. This is why I made the rules. It’s why I don’t discuss  _ this. _ Why I need to have boundaries between my work and my private life.”

“But we  _ are _ discussing this, we are constantly having this same discussion. If not vocally its always on our minds, or at least on mine. I can't just switch off the way I feel about you when I step through those school gates.” He leaned himself back against his desk crossing his ankles. “I’m tired of everything being a competition with you. I’m tired of these single mums telling me just  _ how _ single they are. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m available, Evans. It was a little fun at first, I enjoy making you mad, and making it up to you. But now I just want everyone to know, and I want  _ you _ to do it.”

“You think I don’t know how much you enjoy making me angry? Almost as much as I love making up with you. And you know how much I hate the way some of the mums look at you, but to turn around and tell the whole school we’ve been  _ lying _ to them all this time? I can’t.”

“You  _ can _ , but you won’t.” He ruffled his hair in frustration. “I’ll make you a deal. If you tell everyone about us, you can have the head of department job.” 

She stared at him in shock as he spoke, not believing he could be so... so  _ male! _

“I beg your fucking pardon? I don’t need  _ you  _ to just  _ give  _ me the job,” she snapped at him harshly. “I will get the promotion on my  _ own  _ merits, thank you very much. I  _ will _ be head of the department.”

“And  _ then _ will you stop organising your life into all these separate compartments?” He responded calmly, not taking any notice of her sharp tone. He looked tired, worn out. The way he was leaning on the desk certainly _ looked _ relaxed, but she saw the signs that he clearly wasn’t. The set of his jaw, the way his hands gripped the edge of the desk. He looked at her with those eyes, and the softness they held within their depths dulled the sharpness of her temper. When she spoke again her voice was soft. 

“I wish you could find a way to understand. I’m not doing this because I want to. I’m doing this because I  _ have _ to. This is my career and I want to be taken seriously. I’ve seen it before, bosses treat you differently when they find out you’re a mother. They think your priorities are different.”

“You say I don’t understand, and perhaps I don’t, but you  _ are _ well respected. You are very good at your job. I don’t think that would change, Lily, I really don’t.”

Lily, he had called her  _ Lily. _ Something he only did when he was really trying to talk to her. She knew he was wrestling with something, could see it there in his face. The tension around his eyes,the way he was looking out the window instead of looking at her. 

“Whatever it is tell me.” She said the words, but wasn’t sure she actually wanted to hear the response. Slowly, he turned his head and held her in his gaze. 

“I want to be with you. I want to be  _ seen _ to be with you, but it feels like you’re always trying to push me away. If you decide to continue this then I’m afraid you’re going to succeed. Permanently.” He picked up his jacket from the back of his chair and strode to the door. “I don’t think any job is worth that, but it's up to you.”

 

∞

 

James had given her a lot to think about. A lot to decide. Suddenly the idea of being the head of the department didn’t feel so important. 

She stood for a long time in his empty classroom contemplating her next move, but coming up with nothing. 

As infuriating as he was at times, a life without James Potter wasn’t something she wanted to ever think about. How quickly this had spiraled out of control, she thought. 

When she had first voiced the idea of keeping their relationship secret, back when they discovered they had both applied to work at the same school, James had been on board with it, trying to understand her need to focus . He had gotten quite excited about a hidden romance, had been so full of talk about stolen kisses and broom cupboard fumbles her brain had gone straight to panic mode about being caught. About being seen as some tart that couldn’t keep her knickers on. About being dismissed. So she had set some rules, some very  _ strict _ rules. 

He had grumbled about her taking the fun out of life, but he had agreed all the same.

The professional distance had been easy to maintain when Slughorn was in charge, and activity involved the department. He had acted as a buffer without ever knowing that he was. Now that he was gone, it had become more and more difficult to find the same balance. 

Her cool aloofness towards him had always appeared as dislike to most. So she’d started to over compensate, acting like she really didn’t like him. Of course James acting the way he did, relaxed and unconcerned about proper procedure, taking so long to mark and return homework, along with her constant want to do better than him, had helped to keep him at a safe distance while at work. A safe distance made all too close by a small lift, and his hot breath on the back of her neck. 

Another month passed. A month of side glances, hidden feelings, of hands twitching and almost touching as they walked together. Everyday Lily wondered if today would be the day James decided he couldn’t play along anymore. If that day would be the day the whole school would know, but nothing really changed, apart from James. 

That spark of mischief that had always been behind his eyes had somehow gone, and it ripped at a part of her that she just couldn’t deny.  _ She  _ was the one doing this to him,  _ she  _ was the one who could end this just like he wanted her to. Or was he just playing the kicked puppy to get his way? It was so difficult to tell with him. 

She didn’t know how to respond to the unanswered question in his eyes every time he looked at her. He never mentioned their little chat in his classroom, but it was always at the back of her mind. This secret was eating him up and she knew she had to do something, but telling the faculty  _ now _ , after so long, she wasn’t sure how well that would go down.

Before she had time to make a decision, December loomed, not that you could tell in the school unless you happened to spot the shitiest fake tree ever that now stood limply in reception. It’s cheap, gold plastic baubles - all two of them - looking equally dreadful and oversized. Lily hated that tree. Hated the way it looked like it had been stuffed in a box, and not cared about. Hated the way it represented this school’s attitude towards this time of year. Christmas was a rush of assemblies and nativities, of secret Santa and her students completely losing focus on all schoolwork the closer to the holiday they became. So much so that she started to do fun quizzes with prizes, not trusting them with chemicals and naked flames in their distracted state. 

She had never in her life been more grateful when the Christmas holidays finally arrived. It gave her a chance to lock this little dilemma away, and not worry about it until after the new year. Lily knew that she was ignoring a problem, hoping it would just go away on its own, but right now all Lily wanted to do was enjoy Christmas. 

 

Lily loved Christmas. 

Not in the polite way that most people did, of looking forward to the season, buying thoughtful gifts, and eating too much food on Christmas Day. For her, it was wrap yourself up in tinsel and drown in a bath of eggnog type of holiday. 

For Christmas, Lily was all in. Their little house from outside was covered in sparkling twinkling lights. The tree in the front garden was carefully wrapped and perfectly illuminated, the grazing family of wire reindeer on the lawn made out of pure light. Inside their house were garlands on every single picture, and wrapped around the banister. The rented pine tree they had collected from the farm as soon as they were on holiday was back in its place in the alcove by the front window filling the house with the fresh smell of pine, looking fabulously dressed with red, white, and gold decorations, every one different. A selection of hand made decorations and ornaments had pride of place on the mantle along with the stockings. 

It was entirely her favourite season. As a child she had loved the magical feelings of Santa, of waking up on Christmas morning and creeping downstairs. The image of the crackling open fire with stockings hung up and the soundtrack of Christmas carols playing quietly in the corner. It had always been the day her whole family would make the effort to sit together and just be a family. Nothing else had mattered apart from that. 

Her family didn’t quite look the same now as it had when she was a child. Her parents were no longer with her, but the traditions and sentiments had never changed. Her family was now the one she had chosen for herself, and she liked it that way. This year she wouldn’t let anything spoil the day. 

 

“So, Lily, James has been telling me that there’s a big job opportunity at the school?” Sirius asked her as they were crowded around the kitchen table preparing Christmas dinner. Following Remus’ strict instructions as he stood with them busily preparing the turkey. Lily suppressed the urge to sigh at the question.  

“There might be, but I don’t want to talk about it,” she told him as she mixed up the stuffing with her hands. They had all agreed there was not nearly enough last year so Remus had doubled the recipe. Sirius looked at her confused, and appeared as though he were about to ask another question. 

“We don’t talk about work inside these walls.” James interrupted him striding in from the garden, carrying a bundle of logs for the fire. He didn’t sound anything other than perfectly okay with his statement. He pressed a quick kiss to Lily’s temple, the smell of the outside crisp, cold air clinging to him like a blanket before he strode past them,  into the lounge where the sound of Christmas music and laughter filtered in to them briefly. 

“Don’t tell me you are still carrying on with that ridiculousness.” Remus could put a lot of scorn on any sentence, and that particular one was dripping with it. He was stood opposite her, right next to Sirius so he could supervise him more closely. Sirius had a habit of getting easily distracted,  cutting his fingers instead of the veg, and the last thing any of them wanted was another Christmas visit to A&E. 

“It’s not ridiculous, it works. Parliament and church.” Lily explained, wiping a loose strand of hair away from her face with her arm. 

Sirius snorted. “It might work when you are home, but how’s your relationship coping while  _ at _ work?” He smirked, and Lily sniffed haughtily. 

“I’m not going to talk about work so stop asking me,” she snapped impatiently before taking a deep sigh. “I just want this to be a happy family Christmas. Is that too much to ask?” Sirius looked like he was going to try and ask more questions, but James walked back in, joining them at the table, picking up a knife and starting to peel the sprouts. 

“How is everything in there?” She asked, hoping to change the subject. 

“Mum’s got everything under control,” he replied simply “It’s a lot quieter without your sister’s family. I think she’s actually having fun.”

“Yes, such a shame Petunia’s not joining us this year,” Sirius added to the conversation, sarcasm dripping from every word. Lily scowled slightly at the smirk he exchanged with James. Her sister had never quite managed to fit into _Lily’s_ new family dynamics. 

“They’ve decided to go to Spain for Christmas, and I’m sure they'll have a fabulous time,” she replied breezily, ignoring the pair of them. 

“I don’t know how anyone can do that, Lils. Christmas shouldn’t be someplace warm and sunny. It should be cold and windy, with everyone stockpiling food, roasting chestnuts, singing Christmas carols. And there should be the inch of snow that stops all the trains, causing everyone to panic about,” James joked, making them all chuckle. 

“And warm fireside...hugs.” Sirius added nudging Remus with his hip, the taller man gave a half smile in return. “You promised me a Christmas treat.” Sirius went on pouting his lips at his partner. 

Lily bit her lip at the cuteness of the pair of them, trying to catch James’ eye. He gave a little wink, but it held no promise of any treat for her. She frowned as she thought to herself. He hadn’t tried anything more than an occasional kiss or hug all day. Perhaps she would have to make a move on him instead. 

“Treats are for later,” Remus replied quietly. “Once certain people have gone to bed.” He added significantly before turning his attention back to Lily. “So how does your parliament and church work then? There must be sometimes things overlap. I know I couldn’t just drop an argument due to a different location.”

“You’ve dropped many an argument when I’ve moved location to the bedroom,” Sirius added, making Remus twitch a smile and color bloom on his cheeks. Lily had hoped they would not go back to this, but knew she had to give a proper explanation now or she wasn’t going to hear the end of it. 

“It’s a simple matter of remembering the balance of things,” Lily explained “Parliament, the school, is talked about while  _ at _ school, or sometimes on the way home. There is an hour window we can vent about any frustrations we have.”

“I thought you cycled to school?” Sirius asked James, gesturing with the knife in his hand that gave Remus a slight moment of panic where he quickly took it from him. 

“I use the bike for the last twenty miles into school, or leaving school. Lily picks me up so we can have a  _ discussion _ about the day. If things are still not resolved after the hour, it’s paused until we are back a school.”

“Paused?” Sirius directed this at James who shrugged, sharing a knowing look with Lily. Their last pause had been quite thrilling. Arguing with James sometimes gave her such a rush she just couldn’t keep her hands off him. Sirius seemed to notice something in the exchange and shook his head, “Actually I don’t want to know. So if Parliament is work..?”

“Church is home. We don’t often need venting time about domestic stuff.”

“What about anywhere else?”

“Church,” she replied,

“So that’s why you snogged him at the museum.” Sirius whooped, making Lily’s jaw drop. 

“You told them?” She asked him, James looked back at her, surprised at her reaction. 

“Of course I bloody did, he’s my best mate.” 

Sirius’ smile was all too knowing, and she wondered just how much he had been told.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to get Sirius alone later to find out. 

“What are you plotting Lily?” Remus asked her, recognizing the look in her eye.

“Nothing!” she replied sweetly.

Before they could discuss anything further, James and Sirius’ mother Faye came striding in, and going straight for the large jar of cinnamon biscuits they had made just yesterday. Both Sirius and James seemed to straighten themselves up without even realising they were doing it as soon as they were in her presence. 

“Don’t mind me,” she told them all lightly. “The children just wanted a snack.” 

Lily watched James return to peeling sprouts, avoiding her eye, and made sure to regulate her tone as she replied to her. 

“I think they have already had more than enough sugar for one day,” she began, twisting herself to try and watch what she was doing. 

“Oh, nonsense, it’s only a little biscuit, it’s not going to spoil their dinner. Besides it’s Christmas.” Lily bit her lip, trying not to roll her eyes and looking to the others for support. Remus had a slight scowl, but she could tell he wasn’t going to argue with the matriarch of the family. She was being outnumbered by default and that infuriated her.

“I think that’s mixed enough, my dear, you keep squeezing it like that any longer the texture will be all wrong,” Faye commented, peeking around Lily’s shoulder before returning to the living room with a stack of biscuits. 

Lily frowned at the stuffing, giving it one last pound with her fist for good measure. 

“Thanks for backing me up guys, great parenting,” she fumed, removing her hands from the bowl of well mixed stuffing, trying to scrape off as much of it as possible. To their credit the boys all looked sheepishly away from her glare. She just shook her head at them, well used by now to the lack of a spine when it came to Euphemia Potter. 

She turned from them but before she reached the sink to wash her hands James grabbed her by the waist, pressing his lips to hers. She returned the kiss as best she could with her arms in the air, not wanting to get stuffing in his hair or on his new Christmas jumper. 

“James put her down!” Remus commanded, but he was laughing too. When he finally broke the kiss they were both panting slightly. 

“What was that for?” she asked him in a breathless whisper. 

“Because I love you,” he replied, giving her another hug that turned into a tickle that she had to put hands on him to return the tickling and make him stop. 

“Oh no!” he exclaimed. “My favourite jumper,” He pulled the now stuffing smeared jumper up over his head making his glasses clatter to the floor, and threw it in the waiting washing machine there and then. Leaving him bare to the waist. 

“You’re the one who tried to tickle me. It’s still in your hair.” She giggled wanting nothing more than to drag her nails down his chest and kiss his goose pimpled skin, but she controlled herself, going to the sink instead as he retrieved his glasses before climbing up the stairs. 

“That sinks got the potatoes in it. Go somewhere else,” Remus commanded before she could get soap suds or sausage meat on the peeled potatoes. Holding her hands like a surgeon in front of her, she went up the stairs to the only other sink in the house. 

James already had the shower on when she squeezed herself past him into their tiny bathroom. He paused, watching her with his hands on the buckle of his belt. 

“Go ahead,” she told him with a saucy wink. “I  _ can _ control myself. For now at least.” James didn’t react to her remark, or didn’t hear, as he had already ducked his head under the stream of water instead of jumping in completely. Lily washed her hands quickly, watching him blindly reach towards the shampoo, his eyes squeezed tightly shut. “Let me help.” She said running her fingers through his dripping hair and adding some soap. He moaned softly in pleasure as she applied pressure to his scalp massaging gently. His hair was always so soft, it felt like silk under her fingers. She realised she had probably been washing his hair long enough, and grabbed the shower off its rest and rinsed his hair thoroughly, she got lost in the moment as she smoothed his normally unruly hair away from his face, noticing the few strands of silver, and the way his sideburns twisted almost as much as the rest of his hair did. She ran her hands through his hair again, but this time she was not interested in washing out the soap as she gripped the back of his head and twisted a few strands around her fingers.

“Are you done?” he asked, slightly impatient. Lily came back to herself with a snap. 

“Eh, Yeah, all done,” she replied, taking a step back from him and grabbing a towel for him. After rubbing the towel vigorously through his hair he draped it over his shoulders casually. 

“Thanks,” he told her with a smile. “Better go get dressed before I frighten the kids.”

All she could manage was a weak laugh in reply that quickly fell away as she watched him stride out the bathroom. Not for the first time that day she wondered what was going on in his head. 

 

She took the opportunity of a quiet moment after the Christmas dinner had been served, toasted, and consumed to hunt Sirius down. Not one person turned to see her quietly leave the living room. The kids were lying on their stomachs faces glued to the television, watching the Christmas feature film on the TV. Nana Faye was snoozing in the armchair by the fire, while Remus was trying not to follow her example sprawled out as he was on the smaller sofa. James was finishing tidying up in the kitchen, but he didn’t say anything as she rummaged through all the coats on the peg to find hers, and made her way to the garden.

Sirius was exactly where she expected him to be, bundled up against the cold in Remus’ enormous trench coat style thick wool jacket, huddling in the relative shelter of the shed porch. 

“Remus still hasn’t convinced you to give those things up?” she asked as she made her way carefully around the many obstacles strewn about the patio, muttering under her breath as she put the discarded football and several other small objects back in the outside storage box. The faint glow of the cigarette lit up as Sirius took a drag, watching her tidy up.

“In this weather, I’m definitely more tempted, but he knows how grumpy I get if I don’t have one after dinner.” He eyed her suspiciously as she joined him on the rickety shelter. “What’s brought you out here, Lils? Surely not any concern for my health. Or do you want a sneaky one yourself?” She shook her head as she came to stand in front of him so she could see every face flicker. 

“James has been off with me the past few days, I wondered if he had said anything to you?” She asked him straight up not bothering to pretend she was there for any other reason. 

“You two seemed fine to me, especially when we were getting dinner ready.” Sirius folded his arms in front of him and leaned against the shed door. 

“When we are with others he’s like that, almost overly affectionate, but anytime it’s just us he’s distant. I just wondered if you had discussed it?” She asked studying his face, that was a stony mask at that moment.

“Well he says a lot to me, but it’s not always anything I can relate to anyone else.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She snipped 

“What I mean,” he added with a slightly patient sigh, “is I wouldn’t ask you what Remus and you discuss about me, and don’t shake your head and try to deny that you do. I know exactly how difficult I can be to live with.”

“So James thinks I’m difficult to live with?”

“I didn’t say that, and don’t try to twist my words.” He growled, “You are my friend, so is he. I can’t betray his trust, same as I wouldn’t betray yours either. But, what I will say is he’s very confused right now, and I think you need to talk to  _ him  _ about what is bothering  _ both _ of you and not try and pry anything out of me, or Mum for that matter.” She hadn’t considered asking Faye, but James’ behavior had been different ever since his mother’s arrival.

“Mrs Potter isn’t fond of me.” 

“Ah, wrong again,” Sirius stated pinching out his cigarette and grinding the ashes under his boot. “She is a very good reader of people, and I think you confuse her. I would never consider speaking for her but I think she does like you, she just doesn’t think you’ve let her know you well enough.” He stepped passed her, “You coming back in? Or shall I send Remus out to talk to you?” Lily weighed up her options.

“No. Could you ask James to come out please.”

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year! My plan of trying to post something every month is off to a positive start. Happy birthday to Women-Inthe-sequel sorry it’s a little late.I want to say thanks for sticking with me and for all the lovely comments you have sent me. I love you all.

**Chapter four**

 

“Okay, I’m here. What?” James asked in an impatient tone, striding out the house. His breath was swirling around his head like a small cloud, making him look like some kind of angry beast. The illusion was broken somewhat by the princess crown he still had on since their Christmas dinner. He must have forgotten he was wearing it, hidden amongst his curls as it was. That, along with the pink nail polish, stopped him from looking quite so threatening. “Why did you want me to come outside, it’s bloody freezing?” He  _ had _ thought to put on his coat, however he hadn’t bothered to do up the buttons, a lapse he hastily rectified as the cold air hit him. 

Her confidence slipped slightly as she saw the look on his face. His annoyance was more than a little justified, she knew. She had not exactly been the easiest person to live with, or work with lately.  _ Had she ever been? _

“I want us to talk, to  _ properly  _ talk about everything. No more rules, no more avoiding issues, and  _ without _ your mother, and her disapproval overhearing,” she explained, twisting her hands nervously. James’ hand flew straight to his hair, removing the glittery plastic with a distracted growl as he found it there, before sliding a hand through his hair. 

“Will you just drop the thing with mum. She doesn’t  _ dislike _ you,” he replied, clearly irritated. 

“Will you stop defending her!” She snapped back before taking a deep breath. 

This was not how she had expected this to go at all. She had not wanted this to be about her often awkward relationship with Mrs Potter. She had wanted to talk about  _ them. _ But too often he refused to even hear any word said against his mum and she doubted that would ever change. 

“She can’t stop herself from getting involved. I know she means well, and she is great with the kids. I know I couldn’t do all that I do without her.”

“But?” He said, crossing his arms and waiting for her to continue.

“But, she doesn’t think I’m good enough. She never has. Not for her sweet boy. I’m convinced she thinks I got pregnant just to trap you.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he snorted, stepping up into the shed porch. “You are the mother of her grandson. You manage a house, a job, a child, and most challenging of all, you manage  _ me. _ She knows how you make me happy. You’re just seeing problems that aren't there.” 

“We have plenty problems, you know that as well as me. And I’m struggling to remember a time when all of this wasn’t so hard. You said I make you happy, but _are_ you? Are you really, _really_ happy James? Because I’m not so sure I am right now. Not nearly as happy as I should be. And I’m also not convinced I’m doing a good job of giving you everything you need from me. Everything you deserve.” She looked away from him, not wanting him to see her lose a little of her self control.

“What do you mean everything I deserve? Lily don’t look away, don’t try to hide how you are feeling from me.” His voice still held his agitation. “How am I supposed to know from one day to the next what kind of mood you’re going to be in? Sometimes I feel like I’m walking on eggshells so I don’t upset you. Then you ask me if I’m happy, I have no idea what you want me to say.”  

She turned her head back to face him, letting him see the unshed tears in her eyes.“I want you to tell me the truth! You shouldn’t be thinking about what I  _ want  _ to hear, you should be  _ telling _ me what is wrong!”

“How am I supposed to know that when you don’t talk to me, or share how you are feeling?”

“Well I’m trying to share now. So will you let me?” His mouth opened again as if he was going to argue with her more. But then he just nodded and crossed his arms, frowning at her like he was waiting for her to change his mind. She took a moment, closed her eyes and took a deep breath before continuing to speak.

“My great plan of keeping everything separate is not working out so well for any of us, is it?” She ignored his snort and carried on speaking. “Our little life together here, in this house, feels like it should be magical and perfect. Our own little snow globe, most of the time. But then, the real world creeps into our idyllic life here. When we have all the other things that take up our time away from here, and from us.”   

“Like when we go into our work roles, where I try my best to be an utter bitch to you, desperately trying to hide the way my body reacts to you, and not feel the butterflies I do. Just the same as the very first time you smiled at me.”

She could tell by the look on his face that he was about to speak, but she put up her hand to stop him. She needed to say everything she had been holding onto without him distracting her.

“The last few days you have avoided any intimacy with me and it’s been hell.” He opened his mouth again, making her gesture with her raised hand more firmly and widen her eyes at him. His mouth closed with an audible snap. “I know Harry sleeping in our room while your mum stays doesn’t help anything, but I honestly feel like you’ve been avoiding being alone with me. Is this your way of punishing me? Of making me realise what my life would be like without you? Because if it is then, okay I get it, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being a control freak. I’m sorry for putting you through all this shit and stupidity on my behalf. I’m sorry for not listening to you enough.” She sniffed, rubbing at her nose with the sleeve of her jumper. She watched James’ fists flex at his side, and lift slightly but apart from that movement he seemed frozen in place. “Sirius is a very loyal friend, he wouldn’t tell me what was up with you. I hope you can tell me?” She watched a range of emotions come and go on his face as she struggled to control the feelings of despair that were threatening to overwhelm her. Had he finally had enough of her neurotic personality? Could he no longer stand the sight of her? She had kept pushing him and pushing him. She knew that she did, and there was only so far she could bend him before he eventually would break. 

“I honestly don’t know where to begin. I'm surprised you need to  _ ask _ what is up with me?” She had expected his voice to be angry or frustrated like it had been in the classroom at school. But instead it was soft, and deathly quiet. The voice he used when he was holding onto a whole heap of emotions. “When did we stop talking, Lil? We used to have such  _ great _ chats. We used to stay up all night telling each other  _ everything _ .” He leaned against the frame porch pillar a distant look on his face as he was clearly thinking back to those days in the tiny student flat when they had nothing to worry about but exams and feeding themselves. He looked at her again and his face hardened, making her heart sink. “Now all it feels…” He looked around clearly struggling to find a way to express himself. “If we aren’t shouting at each other, we’re tearing each other’s clothes off. It’s not a healthy way to have a relationship. Also, I didn’t think you wanted me near you. You’ve been so out of sorts lately that I wanted to give you the space you asked for. I know sometimes you need that. I’m not trying to punish you, I’m not angry with you. No more than I have been since I spoke to you at the school that day. I just don’t know where I am with you. How much of what you say at school is what you really feel. It hurts sometimes.”

“You’re just so perfect all the time and I’m such a mess,” she said in a quiet voice. 

He shook his head. “I’m far from perfect, I let you talk me into this for starters.”

“Please don’t joke.”

“Didn’t think I was,” James replied with a sigh. “Using humour to lighten the mood, another of my annoying habits.” James smiled at her but it disappeared quickly, “I’m sorry, I know this isn’t something to laugh about.”

“You trying to lighten a dark mood has never annoyed me,” she told him gently, trying to make him feel better, “I don’t remember exactly when we stopped communicating like normal people, but I know we’ve been like this for far too long. Which has made me realise how much I miss you. How much I miss those people we were. I know we must all grow and change, and I’m a far stronger person than the one I was then, but I can’t help but miss that carefree girl I used to be.”

“She’s still there sometimes,” he told her with a smirk. “I miss us too. We were so strong as a couple. We had that fiery argumentative side to our relationship, we’ve always loved a good debate, but it never got personal. When we first got together, I never had any doubts about us getting through anything. Now every time I tell Sirius I need to talk he rolls his eyes at me. It’s not going to be long before he doesn’t want to listen to me anymore.” His hand shuffled through his hair again, clearly showing his frustration. “I’m feeling less and less like we’re a couple in love, and more like I’m in love with the memory of what we were.” 

Those words felt like he had stabbed her heart, so painful was the ache that she felt there, and as hard as she tried she could not deny the truth of them. 

“I know, and I know it’s all my fault too, being in competition with you brings out the worst in me. I’ve been so horrible to you and I don’t deserve you.” All this indecision had made her sick to her stomach. Everything he said was true, and it was tearing at her heart. He was her foundation. Everything she had was built with his love and support. Thinking about a life without James made her feel unsteady, like the ground was about to fall away from her. “I’ve made such a mess of things,” she sobbed. Before she knew it James was there pulling her in close to him. Arms enveloping, tucking her head under his chin. Instantly Lily felt calmer, this place was safe,  _ this _ was how it felt to be home. She couldn’t remember the last time he had held her like this. Why had she wanted to push him away? 

Usually as soon as they were home their life revolved around Harry. Making sure he got to football practice, did his homework, listened to his day. Took him to friends houses or drove him  _ and  _ his friends to swimming lessons “When did we stop taking breaths and remembered to be us? Here at home I’m mum, at school I’m Professor Evans. Sometimes all I want to be is just your Lily every now and then.” She knew he had moved his face, knew he was now firmly pressing his lips to the top of her head even if she couldn’t see it. His touch, as always, stirred her senses. He was a like drug more powerful than any narcotic. The combination of all the smells that made him James. Birchwood soap, fabric softener,  combined with the added spice of Christmas cookies enveloped her. She could feel her heart - just moments before had felt as though it were breaking - now start beating faster, her blood pumping, flushing her skin. She wanted nothing more than to start peeling off his clothes, to kiss him like there was no tomorrow, to have him pin her up against the shed wall despite the cold air, but she squashed down those thoughts firmly. This was what James had just said they kept doing. Distracting themselves by the raw attraction they felt for each other. And she agreed. It  _ wasn’t  _ healthy to constantly distract their thoughts with sex, never taking time to just tell each other what was troubling them, or what they were happy about. If James noticed any sign of her struggle to control her desire he didn’t show it. She concentrated on listening as he spoke again. 

“You need to stop locking all your problems away, you need to vent out your frustrations. You used to vent to me, and maybe that’s not such a good idea now as I’m the cause of most of them. But when I’m not, please  _ talk _ to me. I think you need someone you can talk to and help order your thoughts. I know you can get a little jumbled at times.” He turned her head so she could see two shapes lurking in the kitchen window.“I’m pretty sure Remus would love to be your sounding board. He’s just dying to know everything, I’m sure.”

“I do talk to him, but I’ll try to be more open with him, I promise.” She pressed her forehead against his steady chest. “I need to tell you just how much I love you, and appreciate you sticking with me. You’ve given me everything I could’ve ever wanted. You’re the love of my life, and if I don’t fix this I’m in danger of ruining everything. And not just for us, for Harry too.”

“I think this is a very good way to start,” he told her, but before she could reply he took her head in his hands and kissed her so intensely, so passionately she almost forgot her own name. It made the blood pump faster in her veins once more. It told her everything she needed to know. He loved her too, he didn’t want to mess this up either. It let her know without saying one word that he needed her just as much as she needed him. It was a long time before they broke apart, breathless and panting. A longer time before either of them spoke, but eventually James did. “So what are you going to do?”

“I think I’m going to break some rules.” She told him feeling more like her old self. “But right now I’m going to kiss you again.” 

James’ smile was as wide as she had ever seen it when her hand tangled in the back of his head, pulling his lips to hers once more. 

 

^^

 

The new year bloomed and Lily couldn’t help but feel like this year was going to be so much better than the last, even if the end of Christmas tried to shake her positive mood. 

The cold air that had been a companion to December grew even more bitter as winter's icy grip took proper hold. Making the trees look like bleached white skeletons, so think was the frost on them.

Christmas was over all too quickly for Lily’s liking. Packing the decorations carefully back in their wrappings and saying goodbye to their tree for another year made her feel like there had been a death in the family. The house looked bare without its cheerful adornments, but at least they still had some time before the school routines took over again. 

 

When she and James had walked back in from the cold outside, faces flushed and smiling at each other like lunatics, Remus and Sirius had been waiting.

“Lily I need a word,” Remus told her sharply, taking her arm and practically dragging her away. She looked back at James who’d only had a moment to shrug at her before he was being led away by Sirius. 

Remus marched her straight upstairs and into her and James’ bedroom where a large pile of unsorted clothes was sitting on the bed. “I have no idea where any of this goes so I need some help.”

“You are guests here, you shouldn’t be sorting out the washing,” Lily told him with a frown, but started to pull out all the socks from the pile in order to pair them up. “I know this isn’t why you dragged me upstairs.” Remus rolled his eyes, and started to fold up the clothes way more precisely than she ever had the patience for.

“I think even the goldfish could tell that,” he began. “You both looked a lot happier as you came back in? Have you figured a few things out?”

“We have, at least, I  _ think  _ we have. I’ve been trying to cope with everything by myself, haven’t I? Instead of sharing with you, or James. I’ve had my priorities wrong.”

She was waiting for the  _ I told you so,  _ or the  _ well that’s obvious,  _ but she was grateful that he didn’t. When he did speak it was quite matter of fact.  

“You’ve finally realised this, which is good. I’m not going to repeat what I’ve been telling you for weeks now,”

“You don’t have to. I don’t want to hide our relationship anymore.” She saw Remus’ wide grin from the corner of her eye, and couldn’t help but smile back at him. “But if I tell the school after all this time what are they going to do?”

“Why do you think they will do anything?” She went to reply, to blurt out all her worries about all the possible outcomes, but before she uttered a single word he surprised her by pulling her into a hug. “As much as I like the fact you are thinking about everything, there is no point fretting over that until you can actually do something about it. What you need to do is talk everything through with  _ James _ . Share your ideas  _ with James _ .” Remus told her gently as if he was reminding her, which in a way he was, but this time she was prepared to listen. 

“I want to, I really do. I just like to have a plan ready first before I share.”

“I know honey, all too well. But relationships are about figuring things out together. Your desire to hold control is why you have gotten yourself to this messy point. You need to let go.” 

“I’m not very good at letting go,” she admitted, as much to herself as to Remus. Deep down Lily had already known everything Remus was telling her, but somehow being told by another person made it feel more true. 

“God, don’t I know it!” He exclaimed, making her throw a pair of socks at him. Remus dodged them easily. “And did you tell him about... the  _ other _ thing?”

“What other thing?” Lily saw the look on Remus’ face and knew exactly what he was on about. “Oh that! No, not yet, not until I know for sure. We’ve had so many disappointments,”

“Okay, if you’re sure.” Times like these were why he was her best friend, and if it were even possible, she loved him even more for accepting this and moving on. “As well as talking through things more with James, you’re going to start talking through things with me, aren’t you? And if I think you are sliding back into old habits, I will call you up on it. Agreed?”

“Agreed.” she smiled back digging him in the ribs with her elbow.

 

Lily hadn’t realised just how much of a burden of worry she had been carrying around until it wasn’t there anymore. Her whole body felt lighter, as if it was going to float away at any moment if not for the oversized jumpers weighing her down. She still had to figure out what to do about breaking this news to their colleagues, but right now she wasn’t caring about that. That was a problem for another day. Their happy little Christmas holiday would not be spoilt by worrying about things that they couldn’t do anything to change. 

Not  _ yet _ . 

Life at home was perfectly balanced for her. Being with James almost felt like the first year they had lived together again, everything seemingly so easy. It was obvious to her that James was also happier after airing a few things out. She heard him singing in the shower, she watched him playing with Harry in the garden, kicking a football and them both laughing. Harry seemed to have picked up on the change of atmosphere and was smiling more, even if he groaned every time his mum and dad kissed.

That just made James wink at him and say, “Just you wait, son. One day.”

Lily even noticed a change in James’ mother. Every time she looked at them together now she was smiling. A similar smile to one of James’, making her look like she knew a special secret that nobody else did. When she said her goodbyes on the second day of January she gave her usual rib crushing hugs to James and Harry, but when she came to hug Lily she seemed to hold on for a moment longer than she normally would. “You’re doing a good job,” she spoke before letting go, speaking so softly that only Lily could hear.

Such a simple phrase that almost brought Lily to tears, and she hugged the small but formidable woman back, hoping she would understand just how much those words meant to her. 

 

They had decided to accept the offer made by Sirius and Remus for Harry to spend a few days at their house with his cousins Rosy and Elsa. Harry adored spending time with them, practically bouncing out the door when it had been time to go, and making Lily feel a little sad that he wasn’t upset about missing them. But it also stopped her from worrying about him so much, and gave them a chance to remember how to be Lily and James. A chance find each other again. 

The first night in their too quiet house had started off with cooking dinner in the kitchen and ended with them making love on the living room floor, nothing but the sound of the crackling fire accompanying them. They had talked again, cuddling under a pile of handmade blankets. Laughed and joked about all sorts of things. Talked about work. Talked about Harry, about what they both wanted for his future, and for theirs. Lily was ashamed to discover she had no idea about James’ ambitions at work, ashamed she used to think he never even had any. In those moments the guilt ripped at her, and in those moments James cupped her face, kissed her tears, and reminded her of all the reasons not to bottle up her feelings anymore. 

The last night before Harry came home they were nestled in the living room once more, the flickering light from the fire the only illumination to their love making. 

James was leaning up against the sofa, his fingers stroking Lily’s back as she cuddled into his side. Her skin was still flush from their recent efforts and the heat of the fire. Lily watched the firelight catch and sparkle in James’ eyes as he watched the flames dance. 

“I think you should take the head of department job,” she told him suddenly. He frowned, tilting his head so he could look at her face. 

“Okay, how much wine have you had? Because the Lily I know doesn’t give up on her ambitions just like that,” he replied. “Besides, like you’ve told me so often at school, I’m terrible at paperwork and set a bad example for the students.”

“I’m not giving up on my ambitions, but I think my priorities are changing. Plus you aren’t that bad an example, especially lately. And paperwork can be learnt.” Lily’s hand had been resting lightly on his thigh so she felt his muscle tense as he moved to sit up a bit more. She sat up herself so she could let him get more comfortable, the blanket dropping to her waist. “You have goals, you just told me your plans. Being head of department is a step in that direction, and,” she added with a smile, “you have no idea how much of a turn on it is seeing you be firm with your class.” 

He lifted his hand to caress her cheek, pushing her hair over her shoulder as he did so. 

“It was suggested to me that perhaps my casual approach was probably not in the best interests of my students in the long run,” He replied, bending his head down to brush his lips across her exposed breast. Her whole body quivered at his touch. 

She could not have stopped the moan that escaped her lips even if she wanted to, his own mouth nibbling gently at one nipple and then the other. She moved her hand, still resting lightly on his thigh further up, feeling his own rising desire. 

“Whoever told you that is very wise, you should probably listen to them.” James’ own hands were now holding her hips, his thumb in the groove of her leg. When her hand brushed against his erection his grip tightened, and he stopped what he was doing to look at her. Her eyes stayed on his as she watched him follow the curves of her body, taking in how the light from the fire covered her skin in a warm soft glow. In this moment, knowing him as well as she knew herself, she swung her leg across his hips to straddle him, grabbing his cock so she could guide it into her. His soft moan of pleasure was delicious. She threw her head back as he rocked his hips against her movement trusting his hands on her back to hold her. 

“Oh, I intend to,” he chuckled. making her smile. 

“Good. Now stop talking and kiss me again.”

 

^^

 

Going back to school was something that came around far too quickly for Lily’s liking. The first day back was always a struggle, even without the children filling up the place. Especially for her because a school full of teachers with no students to teach was a hotbed for gossip, and nothing but trouble. 

All the hang ups she had been worrying about, that she had obsessed about before the Christmas break, were now not so important to Lily. Why had she cared so much about what the faculty thought, or the students for that matter? Nothing was more important than her family. She couldn’t stop herself from smiling at the oddest of moments, and humming to herself. It was like she was in the first flush of a romance again, and because of that it didn’t go unnoticed. 

“OMG you got fucking laid? You have to tell me everything. Who is he?” Mary practically shouted the moment she saw her. She was probably the closest thing Lily had to a friend in the entire school. Not that that said all that much, her professional distance had included the majority of the faculty. They were in the staff toilets, and Lily had been trying her best to avoid most of the other teachers that morning.  Up until that moment it had been working, but she couldn’t ever avoid Mary.

“I don’t know what you mean?” Lily tried to say, but watched the freckles disappear as colour flooded the cheeks of her reflection. Her friend’s deep laugh was wickedly triumphant. 

“Don’t be all innocent with me,” she squealed. “That uptight knicker elastic  _ finally _ got snapped and someone lit a fire inside you. I can see it. You are positively glowing with it.” She crossed her arms and shook her head. “I was beginning to wonder if anyone was going to thaw out the ice queen.”

“Give it a rest, Mary,” she said, more than just a little tired of all the times she had been called uptight by her. “There’s not that much to tell, honestly. I just reunited with an old friend I thought I had lost forever.”

And there it was, that stupid all of the face grin again, making her look like some kind of lovesick buffoon. Lily’s cheeks were beginning to hurt from all the smiling. 

“An old flame, eh? Does James know them?”

“What do you mean? Why would he know?” Lily answered a little too quickly, and shrilly. Mary looked back a little puzzled. 

“I thought you two went to the same university? Listen, I know you don’t like the guy but you were both science geeks so I thought you might have had a similar circle of friends.”

Lily tried to calm her thoughts. “Well, yeah, I guess it does make sense,” she replied weakly. Lily was panicking in her head slightly, she needed a way out of this conversation fast. Questions about her personal life has never been a comfortable thing for her to answer. If the last few days at home had been like a reawakening of herself. Having a colleague question her about any of it brought all her insecurities crashing back down. She wasn’t ready for this.

“I’m sorry, I’ve just remembered I have an early meeting with the deputy head. I’ll have to catch you up on all the details later.” Lily practically sprinted out the bathroom deciding there and then she was going to go straight to McGonagall. Because if the world was going to know, she was going to do it the right way. She wasn’t looking when she turned immediately left and crashed into none other than James. 

“Hey, slow down there or your going to get yourself hurt.” His hands had grabbed her elbows steadying her, but also keeping her pressed in close to him. He was wearing his little half smile, like he knew a secret nobody else did, and the incredibly soft cashmere jumper she had got him for Christmas. She didn’t move or speak for what felt like an eternity. Lily looked back up at him trying to find her equilibrium, but as soon as she noticed the flecks of gold in his eyes she was right back in their cosy little cottage again. Her hands were pressed against his chest and she could feel his heart pounding strongly, lending her strength. “What’s the rush anyway?” He let her go, putting her back on her heels.He took a deep breath, obviously needing to steady himself as much as she did. 

He waited a moment, making sure she was steady on her feet again before starting in the direction he knew she would be going. She felt bereft as soon as the warmth of his body left hers, that solidly beating heart under her hand gone. She mentally shook herself for thinking such ridiculous things before joining him and  matching his pace. 

She tried her best to squash the worries she had about looking unprofessional at work. She knew she must have been gazing up at him like a love sick fool moments earlier. She had no idea how long they had stood just staring at each other. He had wisely stepped away so they could both calm down. She glanced over her shoulder, spotting Mary standing by the door to the ladies, her jaw nearly on the floor. 

_ Fuck. Well that’s one way to let everyone know.  _

_ “ _ Mary was asking questions I didn’t want to answer, but now that seems a little beside the point by the look on her face.” James turned fully around and walked backwards for a few paces. She rolled her eyes at him as he saluted Lily’s friend, who was still rooted to the same spot. “Will you behave?” Lily asked him, more amused than annoyed. 

“Not likely,” he replied. “I’m so tempted to dip you and kiss you right now, you know. Give her something to properly gossip about.” 

“Don’t you dare,” she scolded only half believing he was joking. “I need to speak to McGonagall  _ now _ , before she hears anything from anywhere else.”

“Don’t panic, Evans,” he soothed, finally spinning back round with his hands in his pockets. “Everything’s gonna be cool.”

 

^^

 

McGonagall was in her office as expected when Lily got there. James had only followed her as far as the corridor to his own classroom. Claiming he didn’t need to be there, and knowing Lily would prefer it if he wasn’t. 

The deputy head looked up from her desk with a sharp snap at the knock, but her expression softened when she saw who it was. 

“Ah, Professor Evans, come on in. I have some exciting news for you.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @frustratedpoetwrites


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm working like mad to get this all done and out with you, but of course having a job and children does mean I can't work on my writing as often as I want to. I want to keep to my plan of posting something every month, so hopefully the next part will be with you soon. As always feel free to message me on Tumblr or leave a comment here, I always love to hear from you.

**Chapter five**

 

Nothing spreads faster than gossip. 

Nothing in the world. 

It’s a strange phenomenon that can never be explained. Who is it? How do these people know such things? Why did it even matter enough to spread so quickly?

But somehow, by the time the students came back to school, a mere twenty four hours after Mary had witnessed  _ something _ that could have been nothing, every single student knew about _ it _ . And were talking about _ it.  _

In the playground. In the corridors. In the classrooms.

The whole school was abuzz with rumours. 

But which one was the loudest. 

 

James knew how much work he had to catch up on. How much he probably should have  _ already  _ done either before the break, or taken home. It wasn’t something that particularly concerned him, but he was trying hard to be more responsible. More like a  _ proper  _ teacher. Whatever one of  _ those _ was. It wasn’t like he was the only one looking like they were just breezing on through. Mr Mason, the geography teacher, had a drink halfway through the day just to get through it, they were all pretty sure.  The more he thought about it, the more Lily’s own high standards were probably more of an exception here. He couldn’t think of anyone as dedicated to her job as she was, with the exception of perhaps McGonagall.  He had no idea how any other teacher managed to do anything with the amount of stuff they had to deal with on top of the teaching. True, he had also added extras onto his plate by his own choice. The Senior football team was a group he was extremely proud of, and he would never stop coaching them. He only wished he could still play. But as well as his football team that he cared for, there was the greenhouse to look after too. 

He left it’s upkeep most of the time to his colleague, Mrs. Sprout. She specialised in the more botanical side of biology, and loved experimenting with different hybrids. Which meant she was very strict about who was allowed into the greenhouse. He was one of the few she trusted with her precious plants. James on the other hand, his specialisation was more  _ molecular _ . Not that he got much chance to use his major outside of the occasional gifted A-level student. 

But Mrs. Sprout was not going to be in today, so James knew it was a place he could be left alone to work in peace. 

As soon as he’d said goodbye to Evans, he headed in that direction, but it wasn’t the greenhouse he was going to today, but the tiny shared office connected to it. 

It was a small room with whitewashed brick walls that always looked a little dingy, and the only source of natural light was the glass panelled door leading into the greenhouse itself. The sink in the corner always had at least one watering can in it, and the whole room smelled of damp and fertiliser. Another reason why he hardly went here. There were two desks sitting back to back, dominating the space from their place in the centre of the room, both of them covered in an assorted jumble of papers and the occasional slide. He tried to ignore the continuing mess on his colleagues side of the office, three sacks of compost and another of fertiliser were completely blocking that side of the room, and making it only possible to get to the greenhouse from one side. He grumbled to himself about fire regs and proper protocol. Pomona should really know better. 

A computer sat in the centre of all the desk’s chaos, it’s monitor currently turned to his side.  He could hardly see the keyboard because of the precarious stacks of workbooks and graded papers. He didn’t much like computers, didn’t like how they put a great strain on his eyes. Especially if he was having to read a great deal off the screen. What was wrong with pen and paper anyway?

He turned on the beige plastic machine, trying his best to tidy up a bit while it warmed up, and making a space in the desk he could actually use. 

Reluctantly, James checked his inbox. There were a fair few memos, but at least none had been flagged as urgent. A few had deadlines that needed a response, but he would be in time for those as long as he did it all today. 

He very rarely used this office, even though it was as much his space as Mrs. Sprout’s. He much preferred the desk in his classroom where he could be easily found. But if he wanted, or more like  _ had  _ to use a computer, this was where he went. It was quiet and less distracting than the computers in the teachers lounge. Also it was very rare anyone else came looking for him here. 

He had barely got through the deadlined emails when he knew he needed a break. Remembering there was a small kettle here somewhere, he looked about, spotting it on the shelf behind him. Leaning back in his chair, he stretched to click the kettle on, deciding a cup of tea would help him immensely. He very nearly fell off his chair in his haste to switch it back off when it began hissing angrily. A sound that told him the kettle was empty.

Looking around he also realised that there wasn’t a cup either. Grumbling to himself for his own laziness, he set about doing it properly. He found a mug in the bottom drawer of his desk. It had been holding pens, but James’ need was greater. Now with kettle suitably filled and making the right noises with his freshly rinsed out mug,  he checked his desk drawer again for some regular tea bags. And not Mrs. Sprouts  _ homemade _ herbal blend that always smelled like pond water to him.

He had already accepted the fact he would have to drink it black because he just wasn’t willing to make the trek to try and find any milk. He was in truth hiding from the faculty, and using the actual need to use a computer as a valid and plausible excuse should anyone call him up on it.

The tea making was a ritual he always enjoyed. It was a precise science. If you got the balance right a brew could be so perfect that you were left wanting more. Unfortunately this was not going to be such a brew, he fished out the teabag with a biro squeezing it to the side of his mug as best he could before adding it to the small tea bag bin sitting on the shelf beside the kettle. 

Now a little more settled with mug in hand, he set about creating his lesson plans for the coming term. This was one reason for using a computer he probably could see the value in. His lesson plans needed to be reviewed and it was much easier if the person could read the neatly typed pages, instead of his barely legible scrawl.

The dregs of his tea were already stone cold when he heard a knock at the door as it creaked open.

He wasn’t expecting anyone. He had a strong feeling Lily wasn’t going to be seeking him out any time soon, as disappointing as that thought was. Even if she did get out of the meeting with McGonagall early, she had her own admin to take care of. And as much as Lily said she didn’t want to hide their relationship, he didn’t expect her to start flaunting it in front of everyone either. James still wasn’t exactly sure what he was and wasn’t allowed to say to anyone about it. Was he now allowed to show people the picture in his wallet?

He really,  _ really  _ didn’t want to be disturbed. He wondered how long he could get away with ignoring whoever was at the door, hoping they would get the message and leave him alone. Glancing from over the top of his glasses, he held back the sigh when he saw Mary standing there. There was no way of really ignoring her. 

She had a very smug smile on her face, as if she’d been looking for him and finally tracked down his hideaway. He tried his best to keep working but every time he glanced from the corner of his eye he saw the way her scarlet painted nails were drumming on her crossed arms impatiently. He hadn’t exactly been joking about snogging Lily in front of her, but if she wanted all the details he was the last person to ask. He felt his annoyance in his situation rising to the surface again. Lily had always twisted him in knots, even  _ before _ they had started seeing each other. He was sure she preferred him on the very edge of his balance, one misstep away from falling down a deep hole. She always claimed he was far to cocky when he was sure of his footing. Maybe Lily thought things were fixed, but James’s wasn’t so convinced this mess was going away anytime soon. 

“Are you just going to stand there and stare at me all afternoon, or do you actually want something, McDonald?” He kept his tone bored, uninterested. Looking like he was working. The truth was he had read the same line on the screen about a dozen times, and he still didn’t know what it said. 

Mary always put him on edge. She had a twisted sense of humor that he just didn’t get most of the time. She always overdressed for school, like she was going on a date, and she expected an invite back to their place after. Like today, for example. Her first day back and she was wearing a figure hugging, off the shoulder short black dress with a chunky red necklace that matched her shoes and nailpolish. She was supposed to be Lily’s friend, but none of  _ his _ friends would ever behave around Lily the way  _ she _ behaved around him. He was never quite sure if her flirting was genuine or not. Either way it made him feel very uncomfortable which she seemed to love even more. Normally he tried his best to banter back with her. To throw her a wink at one of her inappropriate comments. But he was no longer pretending to be single. No longer interested in pretending to even like her.

There wasn’t a great deal of space in this room and Mary standing by the door, even as small as she was, was effectively blocking the exit. James glanced the other way to the other door, and wondered what Mary would think if he made a run for the greenhouse. The tiny office was now the last place he wanted to be. Especially with her. 

“I have to admit, there are worse things to look at,” she eventually replied, biting her bottom lip as she gave him a predatory stare. “Of all the people I would have paired you up with. Lily  _ fucking  _ Evans?” She shook her head as if she still couldn’t believe it. “So how long have you two been screwing?” He repressed the urge to sigh again. She could be like a dog with a bone if she thought there was something juicy at the end of it. 

“Is that all you’re here for? Gossip?”

“Oh, it’s not gossip if you see it with your own eyes,” Mary purred. “She practically told me by the way she was acting. Even before I saw the two of you together. And then when I did it was like a lightbulb going off.” She stepped a little closer. “You must still be in the honeymoon stage, the way you were both looking like you wanted to rip each other’s clothes off.” Her dirty laugh made James shudder. “You know you can tell me. I won’t say a word.”

He threw down his glasses, rubbing his eyes. He needed time away from the screen again. “Look. I don’t know what you  _ think  _ you saw, but if you’re here to ask about anything other than work you can leave right now. I have to go check on my plants.” He stood and practically ran to the glass paned door. 

“Oh, I’ve never been in the greenhouse before? Maybe it’s because I throw too many stones.” She laughed at her own joke, James managing a tight smile before realising too late that the door was locked and he didn’t have the key.

“Shit,” he muttered to himself, rattling the door. 

“Oh, dear me, Potter. Looks like you are stuck between a door and my face.” She started to walk towards him, her hip sliding along the desk disturbing all his papers. “I’m not here to cause trouble between you two.” She smiled as she said that in a way that broke James out in a cold sweat. This was ridiculous. She was tiny, and here he was, flustered and uncertain by the way her eyes were looking at him like he was a hot dinner. 

“Somehow I have the feeling that’s exactly what you’re trying to do. I have work I need to finish, Mary. Please go.”

“Or you’ll do what? Report me for unprofessional behavior? Throw me out your room?” She sounded like she wanted him to do just that. “What does she have that I don’t, eh? What can  _ I do _ to convince you to change your mind?” 

“There is nothing you can do. Nothing you could ever be able to do.” He didn’t have time for this, didn’t want to list all the things that were perfect about Lily. Or hurt Mary’s feelings by listing all the things that he didn’t like about her. And most importantly he didn’t want Mary Macdonald knowing every detail about his - until very recently - very private relationship. He didn’t say anything as he tried to make his way past her, Mary didn’t move to stop him, but she didn’t exactly get out of his way either. Somehow, as he tried to manoeuvre around the chair, he didn’t lift his foot enough and ended catching his toe. With more instinct that thought, he reached out to save himself, knocking the chair as his body twisted, and reaching out to grab Mary’s shoulders, but instead of saving him a look of shock crossed her face as she just ended up toppling too. They crashed onto the floor knocking all the air out of his lungs. James just lay there on his back trying to catch his breath back with Mary lying on top of him. Her nose millimetres from his, her hands on his chest, breathing hard as if she had run miles. He waited for her to move, to get off him, but she didn’t. She just stayed looking at him like she was frozen. 

“Oh I’m so sorry!” A voice James didn’t recognise exclaimed from the door before backing out rapidly. James tried to twist to see who it was, but they had already gone. Cursing again, he pushed Mary off him as gently as he could and stood up. 

“Did you see who that was?” he asked, brushing himself down. Mary was giggling uncontrollably now. “For fuck sake, Mary! What’s everybody going to think?”

“Oh, relax! Since when do you care about what anyone else thinks?” Now she was really starting to annoy him. She seemed to think he was some kind of playboy who didn’t care about anything other than the next conquest. He offered his hand to help her up and she took it. She looked a little disappointed when he dropped the contact once she was safely back on her feet.

“When my...when  _ someone _ could get hurt hearing things that aren’t true. When my  _ job  _ could be at stake for inappropriate behavior at the workplace.  _ That  _ is when I care.”

“Oh, please. It won’t come to that. Not unless you’re already on a warning,” she said, her eyes narrowed shrewdly. “Are you on a warning, James?” 

“Of course not,” he snapped back at her.

“Well then, isn’t it better to tell me the truth? So I can  _ correct  _ any false rumours?”

James resisted the urge to punch his fist into the wall, deciding to kick the inoffensive bag of compost instead and ripping the plastic. Everything had been going so well. Perfect even. And now he had no idea again. He took a breath to calm his anger. “Who was that?”

“Looked like Esther to me?” She was no longer giggling, but an occasional bout of mirth continued to bubble up from her.

“Esther Whiteheart? From home ec?” He tried hard to keep the panic out of his voice.

“I’m sure you’re  _ fine, _ James. I mean, why would the biggest gossip in the school tell anyone she just saw us rolling around in your secluded little office?” And with those words she started giggling uncontrollably again. 

He didn’t wait to hear anymore, running out the door to try and fix this before anything precious broke. 

 

^^

 

James had been unable to find Esther. She wasn’t in the staff room or in the home economics department which were her usual hang outs. He didn’t really want to be running around the whole school looking for her. So instead he decided it was best to find Lily and explain what had just happened. 

Halfway to McGonagall’s office, he ran into the head of the PE department, Geoff Baxter, who smiled brightly as soon as he saw him, paying no attention to James’ distracted state. “Ah, Potter! So glad I caught you. Do you have a few minutes to go over some things for next term?”

“Not really, I…” James tried to say, but Geoff just slapped his beefy arm around James’ shoulders and led him towards the sports fields. 

“Don’t worry, it won’t take long. I’m sure whatever else is happening can wait, can’t it?” Reluctantly, James let himself be led away in the other direction with no idea how long he was going to be held up. It was true, they had a lot to discuss and James usually really enjoyed his time in the PE department. He just hoped that nothing was going to blow up in his face in the meantime. 

James completely lost track of time during his one on one with Geoff. They’d had a lot to discuss, finally managed to get away when Geoff realised they were about to miss lunch.

He was half expecting to see an angry Lily storming across the playground at him when he stepped outside. But instead he saw a different familiar figure spinning about on roller skates.

“Sirius? What the fuck are you doing here? Where are the kids?” James called to his brother. 

“So many questions. It’s nice to see you too,” he said as he skidded to a halt before James. “I had to work, so the kids are with Sam today.”

“You took the twins to Harry’s childminder, and she was okay with this? And what do you mean you had to work, you stay at home. You work  _ from home.” _

_ “ _ Sam said the girls are no problem. You know she’s watched them before. Plus my most recent commission required an in person meet and it wasn’t far from here so I came to see you and wondered if you wanted to go get lunch?”

“Go get lunch?” James asked sceptically. “You want to know what’s happening, don’t you?”

“Look, I’m sorry. It’s just Remus was really excited about something this morning, and he wouldn’t tell me about it, saying it wasn’t his secret. It’s driving me crazy so please tell me what’s going on.”

“You think those two would share any secrets with me?”

“Well it was worth an ask, or at least a brainstorming session.”

“Our  _ brainstorming  _ sessions usually involve a great deal of alcohol.” He finally took notice of Sirius’ footwear. “Why are you wearing skates?”

“I’m the eccentric artist. I had to make an impression.” James rolled his eyes at his brother. 

“Look, I can’t go out for lunch anyway, er, something  _ happened, _ and I need make sure I speak to Lily and explain before she hears something and flies off the handle about it.” There was a malicious gleam in Sirius’ eyes. James laughed nervously. 

“What,  _ the fuck,  _ did you do?” he asked very slowly. Then shook his head in dismay at him.

“Nothing,” James replied, feeling more nervous and panicky. “Nothing intentional anyway. I just slipped. Look, I’ve got to go. I’ll call you tonight okay?”

“I’ll be holding my breath by the phone,” Sirius joked back before wheeling out the gates. 

 

All James wanted to do was find Lily. A quick glance through the staffroom door told him she wasn’t there, but a few faces looked up at him sending curious glances his way. It might just be his imagination, but he was sure their talking intensified as he left. 

This just wasn’t fair. Anytime before when he’d tried his best to stay out of Lily’s way she was constantly there. Now when he actually needed to find her he couldn’t. 

The dinner hall was equally bereft of redheads, and James hoped she had gone straight to her classroom and not met up with anyone on the way. This was ridiculous. He was a grown man, but he also knew that the woman he was deeply in love with had a tendency towards over reacting, and not always listening to explanations. 

When he got to Lily’s classroom, he peeked through the glass and saw her sitting at her desk. He tried to judge her face to see if he was already in the shit or not. 

She looked like she had been crying, her face was red and blotchy and she had a tissue scrunched up in her fist. She was starting at a piece of paper and smiling though. She hadn’t seen him and James took a step back from the door wondering how best to approach. He mentally kicked himself, he was walking on eggshells again. Deciding to bring a peace offering, he braved the stares of the staffroom once more.

  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry it’s been so long since I posted. I had a great idea of trying to finish the whole lot before I posted any more, but I think if I leave it any longer you might forget about me. Rest assured I have the next chapter nearly finished and there won’t be many more after that. Love to you all and thank you for waiting so patiently. TJ x

 

**Chapter six**

The staff room was actually deserted when James went back , which was a little unusual, he thought. Had he missed anything? He didn’t pay it any more mind  as he fished out a couple of mugs from the cupboard, and found the box of Lily’s favourite tea he kept hidden in an old metal tin on the top shelf. When the intercom spoke in McGonagall’s voice just above his head, he jumped so badly he nearly dropped the box. As though he had been caught doing something wrong.

_ “Could all faculty members please report to classroom twelve before two o’clock.”  _ James looked up to the speaker and swore. He had completely forgotten about the staff meeting that afternoon. It was whole reason he had been trying to get all his lesson plans done that morning. He had no time to make any tea now if he was to print his work and get to the meeting on time. He put the little caddy back in it’s hiding place and dashed off. 

This day had turned from such a positive start to a complete disaster. He sprinted back to the greenhouse office, the computer  still on, cursor blinking at the place where he had left it. He pressed print without really checking over his work. If there was anything wrong or missing from it, he would just have to correct it on the fly or wing it like he had done so many times before. He wanted to try and meet Lily before she got to the meeting so he didn’t have time to hang about. He sprinted back to reception, where the printer he had sent his work  was seeing as it was the closest to where he needed to be. The clock above the reception desk was reading five to two when he got there. He grabbed the stack of papers sitting in the printer tray with only a quick glance at them, and sprinted to classroom twelve. 

He gave himself a moment before he went in to catch his breath and calm himself down. It would not do for anyone to see him looking flustered. James Potter was cool, calm, and collected at all times, At least according to everyone else he was, and he didn't want to disappoint them on that front.

The room was already pretty much full when he stepped inside. Lily was sitting at one of the rows right at the very front. Mary was sitting right beside her. His stomach gave an uneasy lurch at that. He grinned at them like there was nothing wrong in the world, looking over Lily’s face to try and gauge exactly how much trouble he was in, if any. Her skin still looked a little blotchy, but it was only obvious to him because he was looking for it. She didn’t look up from the papers that were sitting on her lap, and he couldn’t tell if this was on purpose to ignore him or she genuinely didn’t notice his presence. Without any further delay, he moved along and took a seat near the back where he always felt most comfortable. Mary turned in her seat to watch him sit and threw him a wink. He considered the best way to respond, but before he could, Lily whispered something in her ear, making Mary flush. She turned back around, not bothering to look at him again. Lily turned, meeting his eyes briefly, but not giving anything away as to how she was feeling in that moment. 

So maybe they had been talking, he thought.

He spotted Esther as well, sitting in a little huddle of people in the opposite side of the room. There was no way he could approach her without making another scene. Leaning back in his chair, he tried to effect a casual air by propping his right foot up on his left knee and looking over the papers he had in his hand. 

It was just as well that he did, because not all the papers in the stack were his. He was just scanning through them quickly and putting them aside, when he spotted Remus’ name. Curiosity getting the better of him, he read on. It looked like a response to a letter sent to the school  _ by _ Remus. He was torn between reading the whole thing to try and find out what it was referring to, or respecting a good friends privacy. Without reading anymore, he looked to see if who had typed it had left their name on it. When he read McGonagall’s name at the end he just had to read on, but before he had gone more than the first few lines he was interrupted.

Seconds before Dumbledore and McGonagall started the meeting, Geoff parked himself beside him, rolling his eyes in a -  _ here we go again -  _ way. 

**“** See, I told you you’d have plenty of time. I sure hope this doesn’t take too long, I’ve got the boxing club coming in tonight.” He was trying to speak quietly, but his coach voice always seemed to travel further. Especially now that the chatter in the rest of the room was dying down because the headmaster and deputy were here. James only smiled and nodded an absent reply as he folded the letter, and tucked it into the back of the others. 

Geoff leaned in closer and spoke in James’ ear. “Oh, by the way is it true about you and-

“Good afternoon everyone.” Minerva’s voice cut across the room silencing everyone immediately. James turned to his colleague, but he was no longer paying any attention to him, instead keeping his eyes trained on the deputy head. “We have a lot to get through today, but before we get started, I think Ms. Evans has a few things to say.Lily would you like to come up here?” ” 

James’ eyes, that until that moment had been boring into the side of Geoff’s head, now snapped to the front of the room, and his whole body tensed on a high alert. He watched as she rose gracefully from her seat and joined McGonagall at the front. Smiling shyly as she looked around the room, her eyes perhaps lingered an extra second longer on him, her expression changing slightly. It was too brief for him to figure out what it meant, if anything she was looking more nervous but perhaps he just imagined it. He wondered what this could be. Was she going to announce their relationship in such a dramatic style? He schooled his features to stay calm, and not betray what was going on in his own head that moment. 

“I know we have a lot of things to get through, so I’ll keep this as brief as possible. Firstly I just want to say what an absolute privilege it has been working with you all…”

 

^^

 

When Lily came out of the meeting with McGonagall that morning, she was in a sort of haze. She had no plan or direction where she was really going. She had rushed off to tell the deputy head what she  _ needed  _ to tell her, but had gotten a little side tracked by McGonagall’s own news. She’d had a lot to process in that short time, but Lily eventually had finally managed to inform her just as she was leaving the office. Now it was, in a small way, out there, and Lily felt another small weight lifted from her. 

It had been difficult to gauge McGonagall’s reaction, though she hadn’t exactly looked surprised. There wasn’t a great deal that happened in this school that she didn’t already know about, and if Lily had been expecting jaw dropping amazement, it wasn’t even close to what she got. 

She continued to wander about the school for some time, trying to work through everything from the meeting inside her own head. When she finally came back to herself and her surroundings, she realised her feet had taken her to the back of the school where the metalwork department and the greenhouse sat nestled in the quietest little corner. 

She liked the greenhouse. It was always a calm and peaceful space. Pomona was a touch eccentric, but Lily always loved listening to her crazy stories about her life as a young woman. They were so outrageous that Lily was certain they had to be true, because she doubted anyone had the type of imagination to make that stuff up. 

The greenhouse door was locked when she reached it. Lily sighed, slightly disappointed she wouldn’t be able to walk amongst the flowers and smell the rich, heady fragrances. Spring was still weeks away, but inside the greenhouse it was always summer. 

She heard a shout that sounded like James coming from the small office. She didn’t tend to come here if James was using the space, in respect for his own need, and for the fact that being in small spaces with him always brought up desires difficult to control. Although she couldn’t make out the specific words he was saying, she did recognise him cursing. Wondering what all the fuss was about, she made her way around to the tiny little office. 

The door was wide open, James was nowhere to be seen, but Mary was, sitting on the desk and giggling to herself.

“Mary?” Lily asked, trying very hard not to jump to conclusions as to why her  _ friend _ was there and James had just been shouting. “I thought I heard James’ voice.”

“Oh, I’m sure you did.” Mary’s tone was smug, almost proud. “He got a little angry and upset when Esther walked in and saw us rolling around on the floor,” she added with a smirk.

Lily couldn’t quite believe what she was hearing. Mary’s language was deliberately trying to make her jump to conclusions. Conclusions that Lily knew James was not the kind of man to do. She eyed up her friend sternly. 

“Cut the bullshit Mary, right now. Believe it or not, I know James a lot better than you  _ seem _ to think  _ you _ do. So tell me the truth, or so help me, I’ll tell Dumbledore what you got up to at the academic decathlon.” 

The colour drained from Mary’s face. “You wouldn’t?”

“Do you really want to take that risk?” 

Mary scowled at her a moment but then nodded. Her whole body language now changed. 

“Okay fine but we’re going outside for this.” She jumped off the table and went for the door. “I need a ciggy.”

“If you want to grab one go ahead, but I’m not breathing in your second hand smoke. You can find me in my classroom when you’re done.”

“It’s never bothered you before.” Mary’s eyes narrowed shrewdly before opening wide in shock, jumping to conclusions of her own. “Lily! Are you..?”

“Sshh.” Lily cut her off sharply. “Look, I have a lot to tell you. And I’ll tell you everything, but you have to tell me the truth too. Also, you have to promise  me you won’t speak to anyone else about this.”

“Nobody?”

“Not a soul unless I say you can. If I hear you’ve been talking about this? You know how much shit I can dig up on you.” Lily was feeling extremely done with keeping secrets. Mary had her moments, but for the most part she was a good friend to have. All the things bouncing about in her head right now needed to be shared. Perhaps someone more removed from the situation would be better than James right now. 

“Wow, you have some claws after all,” she told her, sounding impressed. Her ciggy forgotten and moving back into the room.

“You have no idea,” she snapped back. “I’m done with the way you carry on. I don’t know  _ any _ other friend who behaves the way you do. So tell me what happened right now?”

Mary bit her lip nervously, and explained what had happened. How James had not been interested in her games, and had tried to keep Mary at a safe distance. The way the trip had happened, and then being seen by Esther, before James panicking and running out. Lily’s anger flashed at her supposed friend as she continued to talk. She never doubted for a minute James would have done anything wrong. 

“Why? Why did you see fit to test his fidelity?” she finally asked her. Sometimes it was hard to believe how they got on so well, they were so different.

“I wanted to know if you and him were just a fling, you know, a flash in the pan. Before he would move on to the next thing. He’s got a bit of a reputation, you know.” Lily felt like telling her right there and then that James’ reputation was also part of the act but  kept quiet. 

“I thought, perhaps, if I flirted with him, you know, lay it on really thick, I could see just how serious he was about you.”

“You really think I’m gonna believe you did this for  _ my  _ benefit ?” Lily laughed at her. “So what were you going to do if he’d accepted your offer? Turn him down? Tell him it was just a test and you don’t really fancy the pants off him.” 

The bloom if colour on Mary’s face let her know she’d struck home. 

“I’m sorry Lily. I was jealous I suppose. I’ve liked him for ages, and then you swoop in from nowhere and just like that he’s yours. When a few months ago you were just about ready to kill each other over the department job. I just wanted to know what it felt like, I guess.” 

Lily sat down at the desk, spotting the tea cup with a little bit of cold tea sitting right at the bottom. She glanced at the computer screen, noticing the last person to use it had stopped mid sentence. James had been sitting here, working, doing his job. Until Mary had slipped in and ruined his morning. Lily held the cold china in her hands for a moment, recognising the mug instantly. It made her smile, running her fingers over the colourful letters. She spun it around to the hand drawn picture on the other side. Three stick figures holding hands. A man, a woman, and a child. 

“James loves this mug.” She didn’t bother to  look at Mary as she spoke, just continued to trace the figure of the child. “It was one of the first gifts Harry decorated himself for him. He never uses it because why would a single man use a mug with a child’s drawing on it?” She knew she now had her friends undivided attention. “I was in my last year at uni when I found out I was pregnant. I was putting nearly all my free time and effort into writing my dissertation. We would perhaps catch a weekend here, an evening there. So whenever we did see each other, we didn’t tend to waste much time.” She looked at Mary’s face and tried not to smile at her friend’s look of utter shock as the pieces started to click for her. “Harry was born at the end of July. Two months after I submitted my work.”

All of her feelings, everything she had been holding back from everyone she worked with came flooding out. 

“I’ve known for a while now that we don’t really work well together. Professionally, I mean. Our ability to get under each other’s skin and enjoy doing it doesn’t paint us in the best light. We’ve had  _ some _ rows driving home from here, I can tell you. Rows that nine times out of ten end up with us ripping each other’s clothes off.” Mary was now sitting on the bags of fertiliser, apparently completely unaware of her chosen seating arrangement. She looked in complete shock. A small part of Lily was revelling in surprising her friend so completely, but another part of her was screaming at her to stop talking. To stop sharing.

“So you seem to think we are a new romance. That we haven’t been together since our last year at high school. That what truly excites both of us is a good debate. There are so many things we don’t agree on, it’s inevitable we would argue about them. Poor Harry has the stubbornness of both his parents, and no doubt this next one will too.”

“Oh my god, so you  _ are  _ pregnant!” Mary words seemed to break her out of the spell she was under. She stood  from her unusual seating position, brushing her dress off. Lily took that moment to settle herself a little. 

“I think so. I’ve been trying not to think about it as I’m terrified I’m going to be disappointed again.” She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, and felt the tear slide down her face and drip onto the desk. “Mary, you can’t say a word to anyone about this.” She looked to her friends nod of confirmation before she continued “We were trying. For nearly two years we have been, but without any success. I started to think perhaps it wasn’t meant to be. I had complications when Harry was born and I was told it might affect my chances of having anymore. When I started to think I might be, I was so in shock about it I didn’t really do anything. It was only when my good friend Remus started to notice, that he made me take a test, but I’ve had false positives before.”

“And James doesn’t know  _ any _ of this?” Mary asked, and Lily shook her head. 

“I wanted to be sure. I don’t want to disappoint him again. He takes it so hard. I know I need to tell him, but I also need to know what I’m telling him is definite.”

“Lily, I had no idea. I’m so sorry I’ve been such a cow to you, and you’ve had all this going on.” Lily shrugged, accepting her apology. 

“It’s not like I’ve exactly been forthcoming with this information. I have more to tell you, but you go for your cig like you want to. I’m going to go back to my classroom. Talking about this in James’ space without him knowing doesn’t quite sit right with me. I need to tell him. I know that.”

“If I see him, I’ll send him your way. But he might not want to talk to me.”

“Okay then.” Mary opened the door as Lily got to her feet. “I’ll see you in a bit, and Mary?” Her friend turned back to her. “Thanks for listening.”

Mary looked back, surprise clear on her face. She looked as if she was about to say something more, but instead she just smiled and said, “No problem.”

 

Back at her own desk in her quiet classroom, Lily wondered if Mary had managed to find James. She tried not to give it too much thought as she settled about, making sure everything was where it was supposed to be before her students came back tomorrow. 

When Mary finally  _ did _ come to her classroom, she was alone. It seemed she had been unable to find James. She was looking rather flustered, however, and handed Lily a handful of papers. 

“McGonagall gave me these for you. She said you’d know what it was about. Also, I saw Esther and smoothed out that little wrinkle.” Lily took the papers, putting them on her desk face down without looking at them. 

“What did you say to Esther? You didn’t tell her did you?”

“Of course not!” Mary replied in mock outrage. “I told her the truth. That James had tripped.” Lily nodded accepting that her friend had fixed things there. She placed a hand on the papers, and took a big shaky breath to try to catch herself before her emotions overwhelmed her again. “Lily? What’s the matter? Tell me what’s happening and I can help you fix it.”

“Nothing needs to be fixed,” she told her friend calmly. “It's a job offer, nothing more than that. It’s something I’ve probably always wanted, but never thought I’d get. It’s an opportunity too good to miss, but I wanted a bit of time. To think it over and talk about it with James, but it seems I don’t have that luxury. Dumbledore wants me to tell everyone at the staff meeting this afternoon. I just wish I could talk to James first. It’s going to be such a shock I think.”

“What kind of job offer?” Mary asked first then seemed to change her mind, shaking her head. “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me. You’ve shared a lot with me today already. It’s James you need to tell, so let’s go find him, right? If we split up we can look in more places.” 

Lily’s heart swelled for her friend, who was now so much more in her corner than she ever had been before. She silently kicked herself for not confiding in people more. So often she kept her thoughts and feelings locked tightly inside. How much better could her time in this school have been if she just took the time to share more. As appreciative as she was of Mary’s enthusiasm, she shook her head at her proposal. 

“If I start running around the school I’m just as likely to miss him as find him. Especially if he’s doing the same thing. It’s best if I stay here and wait because he’s bound to come here.”

“But what if he’s waiting in his classroom?” 

She did have a point but Lily already had an answer. 

“Well then, that’s when my friend can go look for him. If she has time. But I know James isn’t the sitting around type. He won’t be waiting for me to find him, especially as he doesn’t think I have a reason to look.”

“Alright, I’ll go see if he’s in his classroom but then I’m going to get myself together before the staff meeting this afternoon.” She took a couple more steps towards the door before turning again. “But once I’m prepped, I’m going to be coming to find you... with or without James.  I need to know what’s going on.” 

Just as Lily thought, James wasn’t hanging about in his classroom. If he had been he would definitely been sent to see her by now. She allowed herself a moment to wonder where he had run off to. It wasn’t exactly a large school, so if he was looking for her he should have found her by now.

Thinking about James brought back the papers sitting quietly on her desk, still face down. The clean white paper a sharp contrast to the dark polished wood of her desk. She looked at the clock above her door and noticed absently she had missed most of lunch. The thought of food made her stomach do an unhappy heave, and she took the small packet of ginger nuts out of her bag nibbling on the edge of one. This brought her back to her desk and the papers sitting there. Realising she couldn’t really put it off any longer she took a deep breath and turned them over. The letter addressed to McGonagall was there for her to look over again, but there was also another envelope, still sealed with her name on it. Feeling like she was ripping off a plaster, she tore open the letter and read. 

 

_ Ms. Evans, _

_ On the recommendation of my esteemed colleague Dr. R. Lupin, I looked into your work on biodegradable polymers and was very impressed with your dissertation on this subject.  _

_ I am not a man who is easily impressed, but I found your concepts on this subject insightful and forward thinking. I would love the opportunity to discuss this subject with you at length, and in person. _

_ Here at University College London, we pride ourselves on breaking new ground in many fields of scientific research.  We also pride ourselves in recruiting the brightest minds with the same passion for their work as we have. This is why we hold one of the best reputations in the world.  _

_ To continue our sterling reputation, and to break new ground, we have been awarded a sizable grant to further the research into more environmentally friendly man made products, and I am offering you a job on this team as one of our key researchers. This is an opportunity to not only teach, but further your research at the same time. I have also enclosed details of your salary and other benefits that would be awarded you should you choose to accept our offer.  _

_ I look forward to hearing your reply promptly.  _

 

W. Mullin, MA. PhD.

Professor and

Head of chemical Engineering Department. 

University College London. 

 

How long she sat there just staring at the letter with tears running down her face she didn’t know, but it felt like one moment she’d read it, the next thing McGonagall’s voice from the speaker was reminding everyone to attend the staff meeting, and Mary was back knocking on her door. She took one look at Lily’s tear streaked face and came straight over. 

“What’s the matter?” she asked, but Lily didn’t speak. She couldn’t. She just handed her the letter.

“Fucking hell, Lily!” She gasped as she read it. “This is  _ huge.” _ Lily grinned at her friend, tears still running. 

“I know, it’s great, but...” saying this made her feel the guilt again. “What am I going to do? How am I going to tell James? What about my students?” 

Mary gripped her shoulder in a reassuring way. “If James loves you the way that you say he does, then he’s going to be  _ thrilled _ for you. True, it’s not ideal that you haven’t been able to find him, but we can’t change that. Your students will get a new teacher that will be the best replacement we can find, as you will expect nothing less. Is this what McGonagall wants you to tell everyone?” She put the letter back down on her desk, and fished in her cavernous handbag, pulling out a small pink toiletry bag.

“Yes, she thinks it’s something we should celebrate or something. Like the whole reason i have been offered this job is down to her and this school. I’m still taking it all in. She wants me to speak to the faculty, at the staff meeting, and honestly, I don’t know what I’m going to say.” 

“Well, first things first, we’re going to fix your makeup. Then we need to get over to this meeting sharpish, and if James is already there, perhaps you can get the chance to speak to him  _ before _ he finds out the same time as everyone else.”

Lily took a deep breath and nodded at her friend’s words. “Yes. You’re right, no point sitting here crying to myself.” As Mary lifted a compact out of her bag Lily put her hand out to stop her. “Thank you for this. I never would have thought at the start of this day that I would be confiding so much in you.”

“Well, I for one am glad that you have,, and I’m so sorry about how I’ve been. If I’d known…”

“No need to say anything. It’s ancient history now.”

 

^^

 

James wasn’t at the staff meeting when they arrived. In fact there weren't many people there at all. Lily kept her disappointment to herself. She had quickly scribbled down some notes to help her plan out exactly what she was going to say, and took the opportunity of this time to check them and correct all her errors. She need to find a good balance of doing what McGonagall wanted her to do, and holding some things back that she wanted to tell James first. She wished she’d had the chance to speak to him before this, but you can’t put chickens back in the eggs. 

James came bursting in with about a minute to spare. Lily kept her head buried into her notes, hoping he wouldn’t notice how on edge she was. 

He looked a little frazzled himself, despite his usual nonchalant swagger, she noticed the subtle details despite herself. The way his glasses were sitting slightly crooked, the way his jumper looked rumpled. When Mary spun round in her seat to look at him, she half expected her to blurt out something. 

“Please don’t. Any fallout I’ll deal with after, I have no time now.” Mary sat back round without uttering a word. Lily tried to hide the smile that threatened to take over her face at James’ slightly puzzled expression. Clearly he was trying to work out what was going on between Mary and herself right now, and failing. She turned back to her notes, trying to block out the background noise. Her stomach gave another lurch when the headmaster and deputy walked in.

She had not expected to be called up first, but perhaps it was better to get it out of the way first, and not have it hanging over her. Allowing her to pay better attention to the rest of the meeting. Mary gave her hand a reassuring squeeze, as she took a deep breath, composing herself and standing up. She allowed herself to look at him properly, as she stood there listening to the deafening sound of her own blood pumping.  

“I know we have a lot of things to get through, so I’ll keep this as brief as possible. Firstly I just want to say what an absolute privilege it has been working with you all…”


End file.
